INOCENT THOUGHTS
By William Missouri Downs
| TIME: Noon - A hot June day. Not so long ago. PLACE: A jury room in a Atlanta City Court. SETTING: The simple set suggests a plain government-issue room lost somewhere in an aging, dull stone municipal building. Industrial gray is the main color. The room is dominated by a large table and chairs, perhaps used for jury negotiations. In the corner is a water cooler, candy machine and Mr Coffee. One wall holds an ancient map of the United States. From above, yellowing pictures of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln look down on an American flag that is bent and stiff from years of hanging in the same position. ACT ONE
(THE LIGHTS RISE: ARLEN WEINBERG, an anxious Jewish Ph.D. candidate, stands alone in the sweltering room. He clutches a satchel, a ripped Macy's bag and a large envelope. He sports an odd tweed beret with a fuzzy ball atop. Inspecting his watch, he decides not to stay. Just as he makes the door, IRA ALDRIDGE invades the room. He's a big-boned black lawyer who isn't having a good day. IRA dumps a pile of legal briefs on the table. All the way down the hall he's been muttering an intense conversation with himself which now spills out.) | |
| IRA | (ranting to himself) ...It's the brotherhood, man! We're up against a bunch of little blue cardboard yes-heads! Mistakes cannot be made! Get it over with! Put the show on, so the damn judge can make his all-important smelt run by Friday! God, bitchin' makes me hungry. |
| (He dials the phone. Suddenly he changes and speaks in tough street wise Black English.) | |
| IRA | (On the phone) It's Ira. How it be? ...Don't give me that shit. ...256A. ...I'm talkin' Italian wonder bread here. All meat. Double meat. Headcheese. It be anything but smelt! ...Don't be talkin' trash to me. ...Got it? Good. |
| (He hangs up and goes back to his business voice, Standard American with a slight Southern tinge.) | |
| IRA | Smelt! What in hell is a smelt? |
| ARLEN | (bewildered) A small, silvery, fish. 'Bout yea big. |
| IRA | Who would eat somethin' called that! |
| ARLEN | They're not bad. Nothing compared to Gefilte Fish. |
| IRA | (not listening) You know the judge's office is air-conditioned!? Marble lined and air-conditioned! Got himself rosewood while I get Protestant gray! What do you bet he's got himself some feather wavers up there? |
| ARLEN | Excuse me? |
| IRA | What you bet? |
| ARLEN | ...Are you asking me if I want to make a wager? I don't bet. My mother used to once a year but-- |
| (For the first time, IRA stops long enough to notice ARLEN.) | |
| IRA | Who the hell are you? |
| ARLEN | I have an appointment. |
| IRA | Not here you don't. This room is reserved, get out. |
| ARLEN | This is 256A? |
| IRA | Whatever number, it's reserved, you're out of here. |
| (IRA exits. Confused, ARLEN checks his electronic pocket date book, which he doesn't know how to use. Giving up, he grabs the phone, wipes the receiver and dials.) | |
| ARLEN | (on phone) Uwanda. It's Arlen. ...Arlen. ...Yes. My meeting... The noon meeting. ...I know it's at noon. Where is it? ...It's not locked. I left it open. ...Well, thank you but that wasn't necessary-- Uwanda? ...Hello? |
| (He's been cut off. He re-dials.) | |
| ARLEN | Uwanda. Look, when you get another call you put me on hold by pushing the "hold" button--Hold on! ...Your right. I'm sorry I don't mean to yell. ...Very sorry. Can I ask you something? ...let it wait. The man I was to meet. Was he... I don't know quite how to ask... Was he... ah, hell, was he white? |
| (IRA re-enters with a box of legal briefs and dumps it with the others.) | |
| ARLEN | I'll call back. |
| (ARLEN hangs up.) | |
| IRA | Want somethin'? |
| ARLEN | Do I? |
| IRA | Well, I'd wager you didn't come here so I could stare at your silly hat. |
| ARLEN | I was sent for. |
| IRA | ...You're not Tokeeyokee Sato? |
| ARLEN | It's Toyota Sato but that's not me. I'm Weinberg. |
| IRA | (purposely) Weinberg. |
| ARLEN | Arlen Weinberg. Call me Artey. |
| IRA | Doctor Ar-tey Weinberg. |
| ARLEN | Not Doctor, yet. Working on it. University of Chicago. |
| (ARLEN offers a hand. IRA ignores it and sorts the pile of briefs. Beat. ARLEN withdraws the hand.) | |
| ARLEN |
That's okay. (beat) Doctor Sato couldn't make it. ( |
| IRA | (puzzled) You're okay, fine. |
| ARLEN | What I mean is, out front, just now, in the cross walk. |
| IRA | Cross walk? |
| ARLEN | The zebra crossing. I'm the one you ran down. Well, bumped shoulders. Dropped everything. You walked off so quickly. Just wanted to let you know I'm okay. No damage done. |
| IRA | Fine. |
| ARLEN | Ripped my bag though. ...Some dirt on my pants. New pants. |
| IRA | I.D.? |
| ARLEN | Me? |
| IRA | Yes. |
| ARLEN | I understand. This place is really bizarre. Out in the lobby just now, I saw a convict spit on what I think was his attorney... Driver's license? |
| (IRA inspects ARLEN's I.D.) | |
| IRA | What the hell is this? |
| ARLEN | It's an Israeli drivers license. |
| IRA | Thought you were American. |
| ARLEN | I am. |
| IRA | Old snapshot. |
| ARLEN | Guess it's time to get a new one. What can I say, it's me. |
| IRA | Hell, I know you. |
| ARLEN | Thought so. |
| IRA | My daughter took some Intro to Archaeology class from you or something. |
| ARLEN | Daughter? |
| IRA | Don't worry, you gave her an "A". |
| ARLEN | It's a big class. Well over a hundred. Wouldn't know. |
| IRA | Said you were in some sort of shit with the administration. |
| ARLEN | Me? Not really. A mere misunderstanding. I'm new to teaching. New routines. That's all. |
| IRA | Photographs? |
| ARLEN | Got a touch dirty. When I fell. |
| IRA | Had time to examine them? |
| (IRA clears a place on the table.) | |
| ARLEN | Took a look in the cab on the way over. Your messenger was late. There're a few things that aren't clear. That's not unusual. Always a gray area. Things left ambiguous. Just the nature of the beast... |
| (ARLEN's voice drifts off. IRA has extended one of his huge open hands toward him. Arlen gently pulls away.) | |
| ARLEN | ...What? |
| IRA | The photos, may I see them? |
| ARLEN | Oh! Yes. Of course. |
| (ARLEN hands over the envelope. IRA opens it, takes out a dozen black-and-white 8x10 photos and sets them out end to end.) | |
| IRA | The actual photos from the grave were lost, or so we're told. With these morons you never know. These cops got the intellect of garbage men and are as well-organized! |
| ARLEN | I think I've made a mistake... |
| IRA | Gave me a sample of pickled smelt. A jar full of dead fish. Thought I was goin' to bring up my breakfast. Who the hell would eat somethin' called smelt?! |
| ARLEN | ...I'm looking for a lawyer who's defending a policeman. |
| IRA | You found him. |
| ARLEN | A cop. I mean... A white policeman. |
| IRA | All lawyers bitch about their clients. An unwritten law. |
| (IRA pulls a few more photos out of his briefcase and slaps them down in front of ARLEN.) | |
| IRA | These were taken in the lab, but they get the point across. |
| ARLEN | These are the same ones-- |
| IRA | Court T.V. is out there. I look like hell on television. As if I'm about to pop. It's like the whole damn world is spyin' in on me. I'm walkin' down a dark alley with these cable-pushers. By the way, talk to the press and you're fired. |
| ARLEN | I've-- |
| IRA | Man, I'd love to get my hands on the damn Hollywood Jew-types who thought this up. How can you concentrate with five hundred watt kleig lights burnin' your neck? |
| ARLEN | (holding up the photos.) I've seen-- |
| IRA | And what the hell are those neon lights about? My mother would look guilty under those floodlights. |
| ARLEN | I've Seen These! |
| IRA | What do you want, the real thing? Forensic report? Gotta tell me. Can't read minds. |
| ARLEN | Just information. |
| IRA | Hold on. You the one wrote that article in the Journal of Forensic Sciences or something on the killin' of that prehistoric woman ditched in the LaBrea tar pits? |
| ARLEN | You read that? Got to be ten years ago-- |
| IRA | What was the motivation, some hominid cut her throat cause she didn't clean the beaver pelts right? |
| ARLEN | Most likely it was human sacrifice-- |
| IRA | But you don't know. |
| ARLEN | She was murdered more than six-thousand years ago and dumped in a tar pit, the exact motivation can be hard to come by. |
| IRA | They were human beings? |
| ARLEN | Sort of. |
| IRA | Then the motivation is easy. |
| (Uncomfortable beat. IRA pours coffee.) | |
| IRA | Yep, didn't like how she cleaned the beaver pelts, thought he'd get himself a little of that vivacious young Homosapien who lived in the cave-condo next door. Coffee? |
| ARLEN | Thank you. Sugar, two. And about yea much creamer. |
| IRA | How much? |
| ARLEN | Like that. |
| IRA | Like what? |
| ARLEN | Like... Make it the color of Lena Horne. |
| (IRA stops and stares at Arlen.) | |
| ARLEN | Thought I'd break the tension. Minor joke. Sorry. |
| IRA | First thing we'll do is qualify you as an expert witness. |
| ARLEN | Just being exact. |
| IRA | Elicit your formal qualifications through a series of agreed upon questions and answers. |
| ARLEN | Thought lawyers like that. |
| IRA | Education, field work, articles published. So write me down some questions. |
| (IRA pushes a pad and pencil in front of ARLEN.) | |
| ARLEN | But the LaBrea thing was different. I've specialized. All my field work-- |
| IRA | Dear Professor-- |
| ARLEN | I'm an instructor. |
| IRA | After lunch we continue our defense. The prosecution is in fine order, the jury suspicious, our expert witness has dropped out on us, the judge hates my guts because I'm not a smelt addict, and I've got one thin hour to bring you up to speed! |
| ARLEN | Speed? |
| IRA | To testify, man. |
| ARLEN | His condition is serious? |
| IRA | Who? |
| ARLEN | Your expert. |
| IRA | She. |
| ARLEN | Sorry, "she". |
| IRA | One of the finest forensic anthropologists of our time. Doctor Connie Jones from Canada. |
| ARLEN | Can't say I've heard of her. |
| IRA | Course not, she's black. |
| ARLEN | ...And from another country. I don't think it's just because she's black. I know several people in my field that are black, I mean, African-American. |
| IRA | Really, who? |
| ARLEN | (caught off guard) Well, there's a... George... George... ah... |
| IRA | Can't come up with a Black last name? |
| ARLEN | (immediately) Jefferson! |
| IRA | George Jefferson? |
| ARLEN | ...No relation to the old television thing. Gets kidded about that a good deal. |
| (ARLEN tries to laugh it off.) | |
| IRA | George Jefferson - perhaps you could give me his number. |
| ARLEN | Gosh, I don't know. Don't have it on me but I-- |
| IRA | If you weren't interested your secretary should have said somethin' this mornin'. |
| ARLEN | I want to be interested, but... don't know if I qualify. |
| IRA | Any anthropologist-- |
| ARLEN | But I'm not board certified-- |
| IRA | Certification isn't necessary--. |
| ARLEN | I'm used to dealing with bones that are considerably older. |
| IRA | Any anthropologist with some experience in human osteology qualifies as an expert in the field of forensic anthropology. Besides, you're the only one who'd accept on such short notice. |
| ARLEN | I've specialized--. |
| IRA | I know that, you know that, what do you bet, if we work together, we can keep the jury from knowin' that? |
| ARLEN | Seems sort of dishonest. |
| IRA | This is a court of law. You don't hafta be honest, just authoritative! Hell. Let's start. Perhaps you're the wrong one for the job and then you won't hafta make a decision. Tell me somethin'? |
| ARLEN | About... the bones? |
| IRA | Yeah. |
| (ARLEN puts on his glasses, silly half-glasses that are far too old for his years. He holds the photos up to the light.) | |
| IRA | Thought you said you'd studied'em? |
| ARLEN | Just reorienting myself. |
| IRA | (condescending) Oh. (beat) Are we oriented now? |
| ARLEN | Almost. |
| IRA | (beat) How 'bout now? |
| ARLEN | ...Yes. |
| IRA | Oh good! Talk to me. |
| ARLEN | What? |
| IRA | Talk! |
| ARLEN | Sorry. |
| IRA | Speak! |
| ARLEN | First, anthropology is not an exact science and on top of that I'm a physical anthropologist, not a cultural anthropologist. All of my field work has been near the Dead Sea. Doctor Sato is the one who-- |
| IRA | Give me the old college try. |
| ARLEN | Well okay. I'd say he was a slender man. Again, I am not-- |
| IRA | Please, without apologies. |
| ARLEN | Five-foot-nine, maybe. |
| IRA | Jesus. |
| ARLEN | Bad? |
| IRA | No, good. The victim lied on his drivers license. Said he was five-foot-eleven. You got it right. |
| ARLEN | Head trauma. |
| IRA | And that's how he died? |
| ARLEN | (still looking at the photos) No, there's evidence it healed. Most likely an auto accident. Maybe, six, twelve months before death. |
| IRA | Age? |
| ARLEN | He didn't have any teeth so-- |
| IRA | They were pried out after the murder so that dental records couldn't be used. |
| ARLEN | ...In that case, mid-thirties. Maybe. |
| IRA | Race? |
| ARLEN | I'm not good at human variation. |
| IRA | Human what? |
| ARLEN | Variation. We don't call it "race" in the bone game anymore, it's "human variation." |
| IRA | So, you can't tell his "human variation" by lookin' at his bones? |
| ARLEN | Not really. |
| IRA | Not what I've heard. |
| ARLEN | With the interbreeding that's gone on, it's becoming difficult to tell an American black man's bones from a common white. |
| IRA | Or a white's bones from a common black? |
| ARLEN | Sure. I guess it works both ways. |
| (Beat.) | |
| IRA | That's it? |
| ARLEN | What do you want? |
| IRA | Give me somethin'. Sound like an expert. |
| ARLEN | Right. Expert. Ah. The orbits of the eyes are lower, the inter-orbital distance is wider and the nasal aperture is broader, less sharply defined. But this doesn't necessarily mean that this is the skull of a-- |
| IRA | All that from twenty-one-year-old bones! Your science, professor, fascinates me. |
| ARLEN | I'm an instructor-- |
| IRA | How did the victim die? |
| ARLEN | I'd be guessing. |
| IRA | An authoritative guesstimation is admissible. |
| ARLEN | Strangulation. |
| IRA | How do you know? |
| ARLEN | Photograph number... seven. The cartilage around the laryngeal region has skeletonized. In particular the thyroid cartilage... It's the thing that moves up and down when you swallow. |
| IRA | Please tell me you won't be talkin' down to the jury. Use laymen's terms, the Adam's apple, but don't be talkin' down to them. |
| ARLEN | Gotcha. Layman's terms. Of course. The Adam's apple, it shows... discontinuity. |
| (IRA places several folders in front of Arlen.) | |
| IRA | Take a bow. Forensic anthropologist, forensic pathologist, coroner's reports all agree with you. |
| ARLEN | I don't think I can add anything-- |
| IRA | Come on, Weinberg, you've done this before. |
| ARLEN | Just covering for Doctor Sato--. |
| IRA | That's right, I'm to report to him about how you do. What is he, head of your dissertation committee? |
| ARLEN | Yes. But he's on a dig in China. He's found the dorsal section of a Homo Habilis that may well predate our oldest African find. "Dorsal," means part of the spine. |
| IRA | Hey Weinberg! If I don't want you talkin' down to the jury, how the hell do you think I feel about you talkin' down to me? I know what the hell "dorsal" means. |
| ARLEN | Sorry. |
| IRA | What you're tellin' me is that you have very little experience with courtroom etiquette. (cutting) "Etiquette" means procedure and rules. |
| ARLEN | (staid) No, I have little knowledge of... whatever. |
| IRA | Then you must know that "truth" is trivial. It's the question not the answer that matters. All you need to do is to question. Are you a child molester? |
| ARLEN | Beg pardon? |
| IRA | A child molester! Do you do the deed with children? "Yes" or "no". |
| ARLEN | No! |
| IRA | I ask a question, you answer. It's over, right? Now, if I were to ask the same question in front of Doctor Sato, or the Chicago Tribune, or let's say Court T.V., you'd answer the same way, wouldn't you? |
| ARLEN | (guarded) Most certainly would. |
| IRA | But your answer wouldn't matter. The fact that the question was asked is enough. Good people don't have bad questions asked about them, therefore the jury'll think you're guilty. You must have done something or the question wouldn't been asked. The same is true here. As you say, Weinberg, it's not an exact science, there are possibilities - there are questions. |
| ARLEN | (beat) Look. I might not be the right one to-- |
| IRA | Want out? |
| ARLEN | No. I just may be the wrong one to... facilitate-- |
| IRA | Your qualifications aren't great, but acceptable, you've made several good guesstimations. You're a fine stop-gap 'til we can get a real anthropologist-- |
| ARLEN | I am a real anthropologist-- |
| IRA | Then why wouldn't you want to help? |
| ARLEN | ...Didn't know so much is involved. |
| IRA | Or are you actin' this way because you didn't expect a black lawyer. |
| ARLEN | A what? |
| IRA | An African-American. |
| ARLEN | That's not it. |
| IRA | Durin' our brief conversation this morning, I put on my 'phone voice'. Sounds terribly white, (Imitating a white person) "Hello. Gosh yes, I'll get right on it. Meet around noon? Lovely!" (then in his own voice) I'm bilingual, man. For white people I talk white, for brothers, black. I find a white voice opens more doors, don't you? |
| ARLEN | Wouldn't know. |
| IRA | Nothin' personal. It's business and business is good. |
| (Beat. With a nervous laugh, ARLEN tries to be chummy.) | |
| ARLEN | Isn't it amazing. What we've come to as a society? You have to disguise your voice so white people won't think you're black, African-American. That's pathetic, deeply pathetic. I've always believed we should try to amalgamate all voices-- |
| IRA | Matter of fact, I thought you might be black. |
| ARLEN | Oh. Really? Why? |
| IRA | Your black secretary told me you just got back from Africa. Thought you might be a black man, puttin' on your phone voice too. Now wouldn't that make a joke. Two black men talkin' white to each other. But then, of course, your last name let me know that couldn't be true. |
| ARLEN | Sorry to disappoint. |
| IRA | Apology accepted. You're Jewish? |
| ARLEN | Last time I checked. |
| IRA | Probably want to know what type of pay we're talkin'. |
| ARLEN | I'd like to know but not because I'm Jewish. |
| IRA | Three hundred dollars an hour. You're already on the clock. What's your minimum call? Twenty hours? We're talkin' six-thousand dollars for one days work, Weinberg. You're pleased with that figure? |
| ARLEN | That'd be just fine. |
| IRA | You're happy? |
| ARLEN | I'm happy. |
| IRA | Then I'm happy! |
| (Pause. IRA digs through his briefcase.) | |
| ARLEN | Unusual case. I mean a black/African-American defending a... white cop. |
| IRA | Lieutenant McDill is defended by a team of lawyers. I'm only special because of my human variation. |
| ARLEN | "McDill," that's right. Real law-and-order-cop. Afraid I don't care for him much. |
| IRA | You don't? |
| ARLEN | I mean, I like that he's law-and-order, but his personality, what I've read, rubs me the wrong way. |
| IRA | So overall you do like him? |
| ARLEN | If you want me to. |
| IRA | Perhaps you'd like personal audience with the baby-kisser. Matter of fact, he's down the hall right now, tapin' an interview with the 700 Club. Announced he saw the light of Christ, yes the Lord, came to him in his minimum security cell. He's talkin' Made-For-T.V. movie, man. Family Channel shit. Course he was nothin' twenty-one years ago. Nothin' but a wise-ass street cop. A middle class white guy who was pissed because the neighborhood was bein' taken over by the Negroes. |
| ARLEN | Funny. I read about this case just last night and-- |
| IRA | You missed my starrin' role on court T.V.? Got caught up in one of their snake-cables yesterday. Nearly fell flat on my ass. |
| ARLEN | No, read about it on the plane. Just got back. Transatlantic flight. Still have a little Jet lag. Or as Doctor Sato always says, Jet Rag. |
| (Arlen chuckles at his own joke. IRA just stares at him.) | |
| ARLEN | Jet Rag. He's Japanese. It's a joke. |
| IRA | Had no idea you were such a news hound. |
| ARLEN | Just getting caught up. Africa doesn't have the most developed news casts. Matter of fact, where I was they didn't even have TVs. |
| IRA | (mock shock) And where was this? |
| ARLEN | A dig in Botswana. Perhaps you know the place? |
| IRA | Nope. What's it like? |
| ARLEN | You don't know the place? |
| IRA | Said no. |
| ARLEN | Interesting. My first trip to the dark continent. Wish it could have been longer. Sorta popped in and popped out. All of my work has been done near-- |
| IRA | The Dead Sea, I know. |
| ARLEN | Needed a change, the opportunity came and I said 'what the hell' and jumped. |
| IRA | (pushing each word) What. Is. It. Like? |
| ARLEN | Oh! The chief of the Baroove people welcomed me with a box of black snuff. Put it on my desk. |
| IRA | Must be quite a conversation piece. |
| ARLEN | Had a great little guide. A funny, vulgar man, called 'Mpotulo?' who brought me palm wine every night. A lot of children tagged along behind him to the dig site. |
| IRA | Find anything? |
| ARLEN | I don't think they were all his but they might have been. You never know. No one seemed to understand that we were there to work. Mpotulo always did this colorful dance, sort of a jig, you know, to ward off evil spirits? |
| IRA | A jig? |
| ARLEN | Well, it wasn't really a jig. |
| IRA | You said "jig"? |
| ARLEN | What I meant was, more of a... Let me show you. It was something like... |
| (ARLEN attempts to show what the evil spirit dance looked like. He shows off a few awkward hops. He stops when he sees that IRA is glaring at him.) | |
| ARLEN | (Suddenly very uncomfortable) It... a... reminded me of a rare Indian dance I once witnessed. I mean Indian the country, not Indian, you know like... |
| (ARLEN stops and laughs at himself.) | |
| ARLEN | You know what I almost did just then? I almost went "Woo Woo". You know, like an Indian. |
| (On "Woo Woo" ARLEN pats his hand on his mouth in a childlike imitation of an American Indian. It's a small gesture, barely completed before he realizes how silly he looks and stops.) | |
| ARLEN | What can I say. Sorry. Nervous. You know. First time. |
| IRA | (pushing each word) Find. Any. Thing? |
| ARLEN | Oh! The week before they postulated that they dug up a rib of Australopithecus Robustus but they couldn't be sure--. |
| IRA | So you packed it into your luggage and whisked it off to your office for further study. |
| ARLEN | Matter of fact, you'll never guess what I have with me. |
| (ARLEN opens his Macy's bag and hauls out a colorful garment.) | |
| ARLEN | What do you think? |
| IRA | What the hell is that? |
| ARLEN | Why it's a Dashiki! Bought it in Durban. This one is for Selma. My significant other. She's a decorator. Haven't seen her yet - going to surprise her. |
| IRA | I'll bet she's the one who got you the hat with the red bally thing. |
| ARLEN | How did you know? |
| IRA | Wild guess. |
| ARLEN | We always get each other something when we're out of the country. (off the Dashiki) I hear they're very comfortable. |
| IRA | Wouldn't know. |
| ARLEN | You should try one. Pure cotton, not that cheap manufactured stuff you pick up here, but real African cotton. We're going to display them as wall art in our condo. |
| IRA | (under his breath) Next to the mah-jongg table? |
| ARLEN | Excuse me? |
| IRA | You're a liberal, aren't you? |
| ARLEN | A what? |
| IRA | Lib-er-al. As in "Namby Pamby..." As in "Lip Service..." |
| ARLEN | I didn't mean... |
| IRA | No, go on! You're usin' dashikis as wall art. I'm thrilled. Perhaps you want to show me the African fertility beads you picked up real cheap. I'm all ears! |
| ARLEN | Perhaps now is not the time. |
| IRA | Please, continue! |
| ARLEN | No. Let's drop it-- |
| IRA | You're sure now? |
| ARLEN | Yes. |
| IRA | Look Weinberg, I'll try to delay your entrance as long as possible. Try to time it so we only get through your qualifications before dinner. That way, you'll be able to work with the team tonight. |
| ARLEN | Team? |
| IRA | We hafta do some moldin' to make you convincin'. We also hafta get rid of that annoyin' habit of yours to bring up the end a sentence as if everythin' was a question? As if you were askin' permission to have an opinion? |
| ARLEN | If I'm so rough, why did your daughter recommend me? |
| IRA | She didn't. |
| ARLEN | Oh. |
| IRA | What more do you need, Weinberg? |
| ARLEN | Nothing. Information. Facts. |
| IRA | Fine. The body of a man who had an affair with my clinet's wife and disappeared twenty-one years ago is discovered buried in the dirt floor of his former brownstone. Wreckin' crews saw a man fittin' my client's description diggin' at the site the morning the bones were discovered and so he has been wrongfully accused of killin' one Proxy Green. Proxy was his "boy." The building janitor who was working his way up building super. Then he made the mistake of bein' seduced by the missus. |
| ARLEN | How do you know she seduced him? |
| IRA | I'm guessin'. Law is not an exact science. Mrs. McDill, bored with her marriage, was after her "Negro experience." Wanted to check out the myth of black sexuality. |
| ARLEN | The alleged victim's name was? |
| IRA | Green. |
| ARLEN | But the first name was... different. |
| IRA | Proxy. |
| ARLEN | Unusual. |
| IRA | Apparently his mother heard the word on television, Perry Mason or some such shit, liked it and named her son. Got a problem with it? |
| ARLEN | No. |
| IRA | Then why the strange look? |
| ARLEN | Strange look, not at all. Matter of fact, I was just thinking that the African-American culture, it's so...(trying to find the right word)...zesty ...rich. |
| IRA | An ignorant woman names her son 'Proxy' and that makes our culture rich? |
| ARLEN | I meant 'free'. |
| IRA | Free from what? |
| ARLEN | ...Constraints. |
| IRA | What? Like, closer to nature? |
| ARLEN | That's what I meant. |
| IRA | Blacks are closer to nature. I didn't know this. Closer, what, to animals? Closer to beasts? Monkeys? |
| ARLEN | Didn't mean anything. I was just-- |
| IRA | Oh, you don't mean anything. Everything is okay then. |
| (IRA goes back to his notes. Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | You... You don't remember me do you? |
| IRA | From what? |
| ARLEN | I knew it was you the moment you... You've straightened your hair, but it's still you. |
| IRA | We've used your services before? |
| ARLEN | No. I grew up on Douglas Boulevard, we called it Judenstrasse then. You knew it as Lawndale. |
| IRA | (Beat, then quietly) Lawndale. |
| ARLEN | You're Iranola. Only they called you... Zipper. Some called you Ira the terrible. You were part of S.P.O. Secret Private Organization. No one was supposed to know what the initials meant but we all did. |
| (A moment as IRA takes this in.) | |
| IRA | And who in hell am I talkin' to? |
| ARLEN | Obviously you don't remember the name Weinberg-- |
| IRA | Common name. |
| ARLEN | In that neighborhood, at that time, it was. But we went to school together. Had Mrs. Burns. My father was-- |
| IRA | Oh my God in heaven. |
| ARLEN | It's coming back. |
| IRA | The landlord. |
| ARLEN | ...Well yeah, my father was your landlord for a while, but what I was going to say was, he was vice-principal. All the... people of color used to call him Mr. Bowtie. (beat) What? Shouldn't have said anything? |
| IRA | You're... Weinberg's kid? |
| ARLEN | Hard to believe, huh? |
| IRA | Weasel-face Weinberg! |
| ARLEN | ...yes. |
| (A uneasy pause, which Arlen takes it upon himself to end.) | |
| ARLEN | You became a lawyer. Congrats, man. Amazing isn't it? |
| IRA | What's so amazin' about it? |
| ARLEN | What I mean is... it's amazing that any one from the neighborhood became anything at all. |
| (IRA studies the photos.) | |
| IRA | (under his breath) Amazin'. |
| ARLEN | I've the most vivid memories of you. You were the only Black at Herzel elementary, and there were a lot by then, who was actually from Africa. All the African-American students would huddle around you in detention and you'd tell the most prodigious stories about the dark continent. |
| IRA | How would you know? Can't imagine you in detention. |
| ARLEN | I was a monitor. Young Americans League? Used to wear those silly little badge-things and tell you to shut up. That was me. ( |
| IRA | You got it all wrong, Weinberg. I grew up around Jews. All of our landlords were Jewish. Jewish grocers. Jewish butchers. Jewish pawnshops. That's not it. I just wonderin' if you're right for the case. You're weak. Your eyes don't seem to focus on anything; you blink too much. |
| ARLEN | I blink too much? |
| IRA | Juries don't trust witnesses with a rapid fire blink. If I put you under those damn neons, you squirmin' and blinkin' like a fool, you'd look like the devil himself. |
| ARLEN | I'll control my blinking. |
| IRA | It's also hard to trust someone who doesn't look you in the eye. Ever notice that about yourself? You tend to look down. Your focus somewhere around my nose. What do you think I'll ask you don't want to answer? |
| ARLEN | Or maybe it's because you beat me up three times. |
| IRA | Never laid a hand on you-- |
| ARLEN | Fifth grade. They knew I was in bad shape when spinal fluid came out my nose. |
| IRA | And what did you do to deserve this alleged beatin'? |
| ARLEN | Mrs. Burns asked you a question. Apparently you didn't know the answer so my hand shot up. (he demonstrates) Oh, oh, oh! |
| IRA | Omigod, that's right, you were the "oh oh oh" kid. |
| ARLEN | What did you expect? I was taught to answer questions. Be a good boy, be smart, become a doctor and marry a nice Jewish girl. Only I got it all turned around. Married a Shiksa, divorced, took care of my parents until they died and became interested in... bones. (beat) You caught up to me after school and kicked the hell out of me cause I answered a question. Made a fool out of you. (beat) Just want you to know that I, well, I harbor no feelings. I understand. |
| IRA | Understand? |
| ARLEN | Why you beat me up. |
| IRA | And whatever happened to the "oh oh oh" kid. Don't remember you in junior high. |
| ARLEN | At the end of fifth grade, they split us up by I.Q. I was taken into the 'A-1' division. You must have been...(Arlen catches himself) Moved. We moved. North Shore. |
| IRA | You got me confused with someone else, Weinberg. Never laid a hand on anyone. |
| (An uncomfortable pause.) | |
| ARLEN | Listen... perhaps I could get half up front? |
| IRA | What? |
| ARLEN | The fee, perhaps half... now? |
| IRA | You can have all of it right now. |
| ARLEN | Really? |
| IRA | I'm a lawyer, if you don't do your job, I know how to get it back. |
| (IRA takes check from a law book and hands it to ARLEN.) | |
| IRA | Something wrong? |
| ARLEN | It's made out to me. |
| IRA | What, do you want it made out to your girlfriend? |
| ARLEN | How'd you know I'd take it? |
| IRA | If there is anythin' a Jew likes, it's loot... What? |
| ARLEN | ...Nothing. |
| IRA | Oh, I called you a Jew. I meant, Semitic-American. Please understand, I'm new at Konigsberg, fuck-me and Weiss. First black lawyer in the firm's history. |
| ARLEN | (warily) Quite an honor. |
| IRA | Before that, I had my own practice. Beat the pants off old Konigsberg so he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Junior partner. Found myself assigned to defend the very laws and practices I once attacked. When I complained, they gave me this case. Was supposed to be an easy one. Weren't supposed to have probable cause. |
| ARLEN | What about his wife? |
| IRA | Wife? |
| ARLEN | Mrs. McDill? |
| IRA | We're lucky. Cancer, three years ago. |
| ARLEN | Sounds like there's insufficient evidence and our police lieutenant is safe. |
| IRA | Tend to agree, but the trial has taken some rather serious turns. A responsible witness to Mrs McDill's affair has come forward with some sort of repressed memories shit, four members of the jury have admitted they are smelt afficionados, and this mornin' we had the revelation that my client, who claims to be an understanding liberal, is really a racist son-of-a-bitch. |
| ARLEN | How could they prove that? |
| IRA | McDill's divorce decree, which was missin' since the beginnin' of trial, has somehow magically turned up in the hands of the prosecution. It states that our lieutenant, twenty years ago, divorced Mrs McDill for fear of "black baby syndrome." |
| ARLEN | Don't know that one. |
| IRA | Some of you European-Americans think that if one of your women goes to bed with a black man, even once, she may produce a black baby any time after that, even years or decades later. |
| ARLEN | That was twenty years ago. People change. What's the truth today-- |
| IRA | They simply questioned the truth! Hinted. They asked the question. |
| ARLEN | You should've said something. |
| IRA | Thank you for tellin' me how to do my job-- |
| ARLEN | Demanded proof. |
| IRA | We adjourned before I could do so-- |
| ARLEN | You can't blame someone today for how they acted twenty years ago... You should've objected! |
| IRA | I couldn't! I'm afraid the prosecution has exactly what I have. Proof! |
| (IRA digs out a divorce decree and shows it to ARLEN.) | |
| IRA | Stole it from the county records when the trial began. Was bein' a good little lawyer-man, coverin' my clients ass. I'm good at that. |
| ARLEN | Can't be much of a racist if he's willing to work with you. |
| IRA | Just standard operating procedure. If you kill someone and race is involved, be sure to hire a lawyer of the same human variation. Counts the same with gender variation. Kill or rape a woman, hire a woman to defend you. Choke a black man, hire a black lawyer. Kill a Bagel, hire a Bagel. Although that last one is not as hard to do, now is it. |
| ARLEN | Here, now. I'm getting a little tired of you-- |
| (There is hard knock at the door.) | |
| IRA | Lunch! Pizza? |
| ARLEN | Thank you, no. I had a bite at the Denny's around the corner. |
| IRA | (under his breath) Go figure. |
| (IRA exits.) | |
| IRA | (O.S. in thick Black English) Say hey my man, how it be? ...Absofuckingluely! ...You love this shit. You eat this shit. Shit you don't! |
| (While IRA is out, ARLEN stretches his neck to look inside the open briefcase. He pulls back just as IRA returns with a pizza.) | |
| IRA | Clear that shit will ya? |
| (ARLEN moves the photos. IRA opens the box, digs out a slice and presents it to ARLEN.) | |
| IRA | Slice? |
| (ARLEN doesn't like the way IRA manhandles the slice.) | |
| ARLEN | I shouldn't. |
| IRA | Chicago's finest. |
| ARLEN | It's not Kosher. |
| IRA | You're more Hebrew National than I thought. |
| ARLEN | I'm reformed, but I'm dating a girl who's conservative. |
| IRA | Parents must be proud. |
| ARLEN | They're dead. Don't complain much anymore. |
| IRA | More for me then. |
| (IRA scarfs down a slice.) | |
| ARLEN | Iranola-- |
| IRA | Please, it's Zipper. |
| (IRA laughs at his joke. ARLEN tries to laugh too.) | |
| ARLEN | I didn't mean anything by the "proof" line. I presume you're a good lawyer. |
| IRA | How do you know. I might be shit. Some sort of affirmative action junky. |
| ARLEN | What I mean is that I don't think you're... Like this picture. |
| (ARLEN points at the picture in IRA's briefcase.) | |
| IRA | What? |
| ARLEN | The white ...woman. |
| (IRA closes the briefcase.) | |
| IRA | What about her? |
| ARLEN | You've obviously got white friends. You're a lawyer. How can I say it... you trying to assimilate. |
| IRA | What the hell you talkin' about? |
| ARLEN | Don't take this the wrong way. Everyone wants to take it the wrong way nowadays. Look, I'm trying to say that we came from a rough neighborhood. But you're different. We're different. We understand what the American dream is all about-- |
| IRA | I didn't know this about myself. |
| ARLEN | What I'm trying to say is-- |
| IRA | I was over in the commons, just now. A crappy room across the street they provide for counsel. Was alone, studyin' notes when a janitor asked me what I was doin'. Demanded to see a photo I.D. Not because I was in the wrong place, not because I was actin' suspicious, but because I'm black. |
| ARLEN | Think so? |
| IRA | When was the last time you were carded? |
| ARLEN | Thirty minutes ago. |
| IRA | A brief overreaction. I was in a mood. Got a little uppity, didn't I, Weinberg? |
| (IRA laughs.) | |
| ARLEN | Why do you blacks think we Jews have it easy? We fail. We're passed over for promotion. We're carded, get arrested and beaten by cops, we suffer-- |
| IRA | You don't believe that I've been pigeon-holed into a "black job" at Koningsberg and Weiss? Don't get the big cases. I get the cases where race is involved. |
| ARLEN | Got a hell of a case now. |
| IRA | Because race is involved! |
| ARLEN | You said it yourself, you beat the pants off old Konigsberg. |
| IRA | They neutralized me! Stuck me in a shitty office by the elevator and forgot that I existed. Yes siree, I've oriented myself to the brightness of the whiteness! Sometimes I gotta squint it's so God damn thick. |
| ARLEN | I don't know how to tell you this but they're treating you like a Jew. That's not that bad-- |
| IRA | It's a bland existence, it's sameness, it's unemotional-- |
| ARLEN | It's life-- |
| IRA | Hell. For a pay check I do what I got to do. (In Black English) If they is a black jury, suddenly I'm a brother, man. (In White English) If they are white, I am a perfect showcase nigger. |
| ARLEN | Please, that word offends me. |
| IRA | What offends you? |
| ARLEN | That ...word. I think it's inappropriate and-- |
| IRA | What, "nigger"? (laughs) I let 'Bagel' roll off and you say nothin'. Call myself nigger and you're offend!? |
| ARLEN | I let the 'Bagel' comment go. I think you deserve a little lee-way. I believe they were just innocent thoughts. But I also know that your use of the 'N' word points up the problem. I mean, sometimes I think you forget that things have changed. |
| IRA | How can I forget things that never happened? |
| ARLEN | Example. We hired a new secretary. The Dean stopped me in the hall and let me know that I was to hire a black woman. No paper trail. No record of it. Just a hushed conversation in the hall. All the white applicants were pitched-- |
| IRA | And so if the Dean was not forcin' you-- |
| ARLEN | Wouldn't take color into account. Simply wouldn't enter my thinking. |
| IRA | Oh, Oh, Oh! Suddenly it's all clear, it's my lack of self respect that causes the security guards to follow me around up in White-folks Mall. I get incredible service. The clerks never take there eyes off me. Always there to help me find a tie or shirt. They let the white customers fend for themselves, but they help me. They're there to make sure I don't lift anythin', you know it and I know it and little Buffy the sales clerk knows it! |
| ARLEN | I'm just trying to say--. |
| IRA | Christ, Weinberg! I don't typify the American Dream! I've succeeded because I got nothin' to lose. That and a generous grant from the United Negro College fund and the G.I bill is my reason for prosperity, not some cryptic desire to have an American dream. A dream that's available only to those who are willin' to trample anyone who gets in your way. So yes, I've assimilated. I know how not to get trampled. And as for the picture in my briefcase, you shouldn't been lookin' at, that's my wife. |
| ARLEN | No, I meant the white... |
| (ARLEN catches himself. Beat.) | |
| IRA | Disappointed? |
| ARLEN | (apprehensive) Not at all. So is mine. I mean, my wife. She's white. I mean, ex-wife. I'm divorced. |
| IRA | The Shiksa. |
| ARLEN | But the girl I'm dating... Is white. |
| (IRA stares at ARLEN. Not letting him off the hook.) | |
| ARLEN | I'm making an ass out of myself, aren't I. |
| IRA | Think so? |
| ARLEN | Look, I'm just trying... so few people try... what I'm saying is that I think it's good of you, defending a white man. Is that wrong? |
| IRA | Good of me, or good for me? |
| ARLEN | It's very mature of your race! There, found the words. Sorry, sometimes my English runs out. You seem to be a little angry but I don't think you're a... a racist. |
| IRA | (condescending) Thank you, thank you very much. |
| ARLEN | Do you think... |
| IRA | ...That you're a racist? Got black friends? |
| ARLEN | Matter of fact some of my friends are even lawyers. |
| IRA | No, I mean real friends. What did you use to call'em... "Haimish ponim." |
| ARLEN | ...Yes. |
| IRA | Like George Jefferson. |
| ARLEN | I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've told you that I respect you. You're not afraid to assimilate and I admire that. I admire you! Why can't I say that? What the hell's wrong with that? |
| IRA | Haven't touched your pizza. |
| ARLEN | And what's wrong with being a liberal? What happened to being allowed an opinion? |
| IRA | Please, we're here to examine bones. |
| ARLEN | No. What's wrong with being-- |
| IRA | Don't have time for your political or personal insecurities. |
| (Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | Hypothetical. It's night. I'm walking down the street and when I see several black youths coming in the other direction. They're talking, fooling around. I cross to the other side and continue on my way. Am I a racist? |
| IRA | Hypothetically, yes. |
| ARLEN | Am I to deny the reality of my own experience? |
| IRA | You judge before you know. That's the definition of a racist. |
| ARLEN | But I do know. Most of the crime in this city, in this country, is caused by blacks. |
| IRA | Lemme see your facts! |
| ARLEN | Fifty-five percent of all murderers are blacks--. I'm sorry I said that, but it's true. |
| IRA | Did you know that it's a fact that almost all serial killers are white! |
| ARLEN | So? |
| IRA | I'm talkin' to you in a private room and most serial killers are white. You could be a serial killer. You want facts? Fine! At the very least, black people don't sit around at night wonderin' if their next door neighbors finger's are crunchy! |
| ARLEN | Don't get me wrong, your proud black brothers are wonderful people but... |
| IRA | Cut the horse shit! |
| ARLEN | ...they are more likely to abandon their families, more likely to quit school and do drugs and so I play the odds and cross the street. |
| IRA | Your father-- |
| ARLEN | My father has nothing to do with this! I come in here, attempt to reach out and what do I get? I make an ass out of myself. Do you enjoy watching me stumble all over myself? |
| IRA | Yes. Quite amusing. |
| ARLEN | I bet you do. All of you do. When I teach my class, if it's an all white class I'm fine, but let there be one black and I change. Start a little tape recorder in my head, double check everything I say. Was there an insult in that line? Could that be taken the wrong way? I'm under a microscope. Constantly wondering what new phrase, what innocuous actions you blacks will decide is this week's insult. |
| IRA | Is it that hard to figure out? |
| ARLEN | Yes! I slipped at the end of last semester and used the phrase "cave man." Got a memo from the Dean saying that the African-American Student Association-- |
| IRA | Don't know that one. |
| ARLEN | I don't know, they change the name all the time. |
| IRA | The Black Student Alliance? ARLEn They took exception to the phrase because there are no caves in Africa. What the hell does that mean?! I have to attend a hearing and I'm blank. Don't even know how to defend myself! Don't remember saying it! |
| IRA | So what? Go to the hearing, learn something. |
| ARLEN | So what? The question has been asked! A hearing will be held. Do you know how that's going to look to my dissertation committee? They fired the Dean of Education for three words concerning Blacks and the Bell Curve. Gone. He apologized seventeen times and it still wasn't good enough. |
| IRA | Good. It's bullshit nineteenth-century-race-science and it doesn't belong in a University. |
| ARLEN | I'm afraid to teach, afraid one word, one thought will be my downfall and you... sit there and say "good"!? |
| IRA | So that's why you hired the black secretary. What're you going to do? Make her come to the hearing, sit beside you and take notes? Think that'll tell the Black Student Alliance you really care? |
| ARLEN | That's totally unrelated. |
| IRA | Sure it is. |
| ARLEN | God, I can't even hire a black secretary without being guilty! |
| IRA | And what's this quick trip to Africa all about? What are you hoping to prove? |
| ARLEN | I can't win! I walk to class now with stones in my pockets, held down by guilt for something I don't remember doing. So you'll forgive me if I come in here a little circumspect. It's twenty-five years later and you're still in control. Still got the power. Still beating me up. And you'll always have that power as long as I'm constantly this far away from being attacked for something I said but did not mean! As long as I'm blackmailed and exploited by the African Americans I'm trying to befriend. |
| IRA | Then why should I be carded for somethin' I didn't do! |
| (Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | I wanted to believe that you're a good lawyer. That you don't have an agendum. |
| IRA | And what would that agenda be? What? Do I want to save my clinet's ass? Isn't that my agenda? arlen Agendum. ira We all got agendas, Artey. Is it your agenda to, for once in your life, have a black man say you're not a racist? Would that set you free? If it came from an authority would it allow you to finally stop having to make a big show of your liberal views, allow you to take a breath, relax and say, "I'm not one of the guilty." |
| (Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | (Trying to change the subject) Maybe I'll have a candy bar. |
| IRA | Oh sure, I think Almond Joys are Kosher. |
| ARLEN | (caught) ...Perhaps a slice then. Couldn't hurt. No sausage, right? |
| IRA | Pick'em off. |
| (ARLEN starts for the pizza but IRA picks up a slice and offers it to him. He slowly takes it but doesn't eat. Beat.) | |
| IRA | Eat, Artey, it's good. |
| ARLEN | I don't eat food that other people have touched. |
| IRA | Or is it the color of the hand that's touched it? |
| ARLEN | I never meant anything. I don't mean to insult you and if I did I am sorry. |
| IRA | Practicing your speech for the hearing? |
| ARLEN | No. I meant it. (beat) ...Your daughter. She wouldn't happen to be a member of the Black Student Alliance would she? |
| IRA | Think so? |
| ARLEN | I have to know what I'm dealing with. |
| IRA | What does she have to do with this case? |
| ARLEN | That's what I'd like to know. |
| IRA | Just do your job Artey, and everything will be fine. |
| (Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | Fine. ...It's my opinion, my expert opinion, that these are not the bones of one Proxy Green. I've said it. |
| IRA | Good. |
| ARLEN | Isn't that what you want me to say? |
| IRA | Yes. |
| ARLEN | Then I'm doing... okay? |
| IRA | Sure. |
| ARLEN | Okay. |
| (Beat.) | |
| IRA | Hey Weinberg. |
| ARLEN | What? |
| IRA | Did you know that, in this country, a white man has never been executed for killin' a black? In two hundred and twenty years, not once. Strange, don't you agree? |
| (An uneasy pause. With ARLEN and IRA staring at each other the lights fade.) END OF ACT ONE
(Act Two) | |
| (The action is continuous.) | |
| IRA | Did you know that, in this country, a white man has never been executed for killin' a black? In two hundred and twenty years, not once. Strange, don't you agree? |
| ARLEN | That's not true, The state of Alabama executed a white just the other day for killing a black. |
| IRA | One! Good! That was mighty white of them. |
| (An uneasy pause. Then there is a knock at the door. A voice calls out.) | |
| OFF STAGE VOICE | Half hour! Everyone back in a half hour. |
| ARLEN | Then it would seem, counselor, our only defense is for a strong, believable, able anthropologist to testify that these are not the bones of one Proxy Green. |
| IRA | Bein' white you won't be quite as effective but... It was an infallible defense. A black anthropologist saying that these weren't the bones of a black man. Case closed. Almost had myself a full partnership. |
| ARLEN | Then we have the same ...agenda. Don't we? |
| IRA | Yes. |
| ARLEN | Let's work. |
| IRA | Then you must understand that nothin' you say must be probable, only possible. And so if you were asked, "are these the bones of Proxy Green", you'd answer? |
| ARLEN | Possibly. |
| IRA | Then you'd add? |
| ARLEN | ...Possibly not. |
| IRA | They compared a fuzzy, twenty-five-year-old, head X-ray of Mr. Green after he was wounded in Viet Nam with the skull found in Lieutenant McDill's basement. The frontal sinus patterns matched. Aren't these patterns the same as a fingerprint? |
| ARLEN | In my opinion, sinus patterns aren't always one hundred percent accurate. |
| IRA | Cut out, "in my opinion" and "always," They're wishy-washy. |
| ARLEN | Sinus patterns aren't one hundred percent accurate? |
| IRA | Once more, with conviction! |
| ARLEN | I'll work on it. |
| IRA | Method of death? |
| ARLEN | Strangulation. |
| IRA | Are you sure now? |
| ARLEN | Yes. |
| IRA | Work with me! Are you sure? |
| ARLEN | ...Hard to tell? |
| IRA | Isn't it possible the skeletonized cartilage around the larynx was fractured after the body was placed in the ground. Isn't it possible that the weight of the earth, over twenty years, could have crushed his larynx? Hint hint. |
| ARLEN | Sure. I guess anything is possible. |
| (Ira throws his hands up in despair.) | |
| IRA | Jesus, you're really bad at this, aren't you! "Anything is possible?" What jury is goin' to believe an expert who says that! |
| ARLEN | I'm trying to give you what you want. |
| IRA | Is it possible that the cartilage could be fractured after the body was in the ground? (imitating a white person) "Gosh Yes! Hundreds of pounds of earth piled on top of the body could've fractured it!" (His own voice) Got it? |
| ARLEN | Yes. |
| IRA | Could the cartilage be fractured after death?! |
| ARLEN | Yes! |
| IRA | How? |
| ARLEN | I don't know, but if you'll let me be an expert rather than telling me what to say, maybe I might come up with a possible answer! (beat) Yes. It could happen. Matter of fact, within days after the burial-- |
| IRA | Stop blinkin'. |
| ARLEN | ...Under favorable circumstances, insects will flourish and quickly dispose of the soft body parts-- |
| IRA | Stop lookin' at my nose. |
| ARLEN | ...As the flesh decomposed, the weight of the earth, in even a shallow grave, could cause such a fracture. |
| IRA | So, it's your expert opinion, that simple dust could've caused such extensive damage. |
| ARLEN | Possibly. |
| IRA | So Mrs. Chestine of apartment 3-B who heard my client say, "I'll lynch the son-of-a-bitch," is a liar. |
| ARLEN | Such damage could've been caused by other methods. |
| IRA | Example! (beat, Arlen thinks) It's your moment to shine! Let's hear what six thousand dollars worth of qualified analysis sounds like. |
| ARLEN | ...Well... |
| IRA | You won't have that kinda time in the chair. |
| ARLEN | Oh oh oh!, I got it. |
| IRA | Yes, Art-ey. |
| ARLEN | It could've been an unusual incident. |
| IRA | Illustration! |
| ARLEN | He could've been intoxicated, passed out and got his shirt collar caught on a wire fence. That has happened. Like this. |
| (ARLEN demonstrates. A blank look from IRA.) | |
| IRA | Some advice, don't do that in court. |
| ARLEN | There's also autoerotic sexual asphyxia but it's fairly uncommon. |
| IRA | You've got to be kidding. |
| ARLEN | If Proxy was having an affair with Mrs. McDill and, as you say, was trying to prove something about his sexuality-- |
| IRA | He wasn't trying to prove anything! She was! |
| ARLEN | I meant "she." They might have gone to such an extreme. |
| IRA | Are you actually suggesting that a ninety-two pound woman could've crushed the larynx of a Vet while they did it?! Plan on an all-nighter. |
| ARLEN | What do you want?! There are many forms of death that aren't evident in the bones! |
| IRA | Expound! |
| ARLEN | I can't. It's not evident in the-- |
| IRA | Never answer a question that you cannot expound upon! Never fall into the trap of answerin' nebulous questions or answer 'yes' or 'no' to a compound question! If you don't understand, ask the question to be rephrased or simplified--! |
| ARLEN | I'm confused. We're doing this now? |
| IRA | You took the money. You're hired. We work. Is that so unusual? Do you make a habit of collecting a check for doin' nothin'! What do you think this is, first of the month? |
| ARLEN | If you don't mind me saying, your style is just a little too blunt for me. It was thirty years ago, still is today. |
| IRA | You're only bein' coached, man. At times I'll be playin' the damn prosecutin' attorney. Askin' you questions as he will. |
| ARLEN | At the very least then, warn me. |
| IRA | That's not it. I know how you people love to chit-chat. What should we do, put our arms around each other, shoot the bull, and wistfully remember the old hood? We moved in, you took one look at our black faces and you Jews moved out. What's to remember? Shit. People like you, you stand around the halls of the University of Chicago usin' words like, 'Multiculturalism' and 'co-existence' and yet you never stopped running long enough to consider what the hell you were co-existing with. |
| ARLEN | I think my views are very liber... understanding. I think that most interesting things in history and the arts happen when two cultures... interface. I... Hell, I'll say it, I'm one of the... one of the right thinking people! |
| IRA | That's right. You've been to Africa. |
| ARLEN | So have you - Ira, let's not do this. Let's not let the past rule the present. I've dealt with my past. My father was your landlord, so what. Did he overcharge? |
| IRA | He was a slumlord. |
| ARLEN | Hardly. |
| IRA | Mother worked every day of her life to pay a rent that couldn't be a day late. First of the month, the tension would be overwhelmin'. Were we goin' to make it? Was there goin' to be enough? Six P.M. on the damn dot, your father would show up to exploit the situation. |
| ARLEN | That wasn't my father, that was the rent collector. If you went to school regularly you'd know what my father looked like-- |
| IRA | Who ever the hell he was, he'd stand in the dark, outside our door, refused to come in, with his hooked nose and demanded money. Cash only. Was like a ransom. Hush money. He'd grab the bills, count them twice and move on. That's all I knew. |
| ARLEN | Heard what happened to James Meredith? |
| IRA | Who's this now? Classmate? |
| ARLEN | James Meredith! The first black to integrate the University of Mississippi! You should know him, he's a hero. |
| IRA | What the hell does he--! |
| ARLEN | Bought a tenement building in New York. Became a landlord. Was going to show the world how a black business was run. He was taken to court by the city's housing authority. Didn't keep the place up. Couldn't afford to. Was ordered to reduce the rent until the walls were painted, the furnace fixed and the rats moved out. That's what happened to him. He became a slumlord. |
| IRA | Point bein'? |
| ARLEN | I think our races have more in common than you'd be willing to admit. |
| IRA | Our races? |
| ARLEN | Blacks and Jews. |
| IRA | Jews aren't a race! Nothin' pisses me off more than you Jews callin' yourself a 'race'! There's nothin' homogeneous about the so called "chosen people." |
| ARLEN | You don't think that religious and historical ideas can be around long enough to blend into a distinctive race? |
| IRA | Makes as much sense as there bein' a Catholic or Protestant race! You've been listening to your girlfriend too much. |
| ARLEN | What I'm trying to say is that we've both suffered a great deal. The Jews came through and so can you-- |
| IRA | Hardly a comparison. |
| ARLEN | Even you deny my heritage. |
| IRA | As you deny mine! I too have been though unspeakable horrors. Maafa! The Black Holocaust! |
| ARLEN | What do you want, dueling Holocaust? The Jewish race-- |
| IRA | I'm race! You are no more than a denomination! And you can inbreed as much as you want and that's all you'll ever be. Race is this (hold out his hands) and this is more powerful than any of your cults, your rituals or dictates, because I've been here longer. I'm the one who kicked you out of the Garden of Eden. I out date you and your silly customs! |
| ARLEN | Those customs have kept our families together for thousands of years. ( |
| IRA | Simply because it is. |
| ARLEN | Okay-fine. To hell with race. |
| IRA | Excuse me, human variation. |
| ARLEN | Maybe can we think of ourselves as a Jew and a Christian. |
| IRA | What makes you think that'll work? |
| ARLEN | Your father. He was the preacher. Store-Front Baptist. Used to preach out of what used to be the Baum Five and Dime? We could see him in there on Sundays. His huge... sausage arms waving. Sorry that was the only way to describe them. They were... enormous. |
| IRA | How would you know what went on in Store-Front? What were you, stationed there as a monitor too? |
| ARLEN | All the Jewish boys were quite interested. Spend enough time in a synagogue, you begin to wonder. Couldn't exactly walk into a church, so we peeked in the windows of Store-Front Baptist. Watched your father-- |
| IRA | Step-father. |
| ARLEN | With his big... old arms drilling home the point. And the singing. We'd hear it two blocks off. |
| IRA | Four blocks. At least four. |
| ARLEN | So maybe this can be our common ground. |
| IRA | Most likely... not. |
| ARLEN | I don't know what's allowed. Can I say that I understand your anger? Not all Jews are noble. No one religion or race is. If Rabbi Grossman caught us looking in at Store-Front he'd give us such a lecture. Once my father caught us singing a schwartze spiritual - his word not mine. Lost my TV privileges for a week. (remembering) Hell. Been too long. Wait a minute. (He hums and then begins to sing) ...away up in the middle of the air. Yes, Ezekial saw a wheel--. |
| IRA | Please, that's enough. |
| ARLEN | Then there was another verse. ...It's coming to me. |
| IRA | I wish it wouldn't. |
| ARLEN | Got it-- |
| IRA | Stop! |
| ARLEN | What? |
| IRA | You're pervertin' it! |
| ARLEN | How does it go? |
| IRA | You got the tune but you lack the understandin'. It's nothin' but a hip imitation. Pains me to hear it. |
| ARLEN | So only a black can sing that song. |
| IRA | Only blacks have the sensibilities, the understandin'. Without the understandin', singin' is meaningless. |
| ARLEN | I was just trying to-- |
| IRA | God, I'm tired of your white-oriented logic! The same logic that says, I attended an all day racial awareness seminar and slide presentation so now I'm no longer intolerant. Lets all join hands and sing "We Shall Overcome." You're only makin' fun of it. |
| ARLEN | I wasn't making fun of anything. Ever been in a Synagogue? They don't exactly have show tunes going on in there. |
| IRA | Let me have one thing to call my own. |
| ARLEN | Your own? God, I'm tired of living in a society where we close ourselves off and say only my type, my kind, my gender, my race can understand me. Only a Jew can understand the Holocaust. Only a black can sing a Negro spiritual. Only a woman can design a feminine napkin. We're more closed than the fifties. Last month, Selma wanted me to march with her in a commemorative civil rights parade. She's a "namby pamby" liberal too, you'll forgive her. Just as the march began, we were approached by some nicely dressed black men and asked to leave. |
| IRA | What did you do? |
| ARLEN | We left! In the sixties you saw blacks and whites and Jews marching together, now it's only blacks. |
| IRA | So what am I to do? Let you squeak out my father's song? Let you mutilate it, annihilate it and be happy for you? |
| ARLEN | At least let me attempt to understand-- |
| IRA | What do you want? Should I be a good little Christian and turn the other swarthy cheek? I believed that once. I thought, if the white man won't treat me as a human bein' perhaps the great white God will. Sat in Store-Front, read the book and listened to my step-father, a broken prophet. Every night he'd study the old testament Jews, raise his eyes to heaven and look to their story for strength! Then the rent collector would come and I'd ask myself, is this the visionary God is talkin' about? This little man, who makes a big stink if one of the bills is old or soiled, this bloated bag who checks to see if each bill is counterfeit? Did he ever find a fake? |
| ARLEN | Quite often. |
| IRA | Now it seems strange, a black sap prayin' to a waxen God! But what could I know? I was taught in your father's school about my ancestors the pilgrims, the faces on Mount Rushmore. Was taught to love Abraham Lincoln because he freed the slaves! Abe Lincoln was so generous! Out of the goodness of his heart, he freed the black man and we are to be so grateful! |
| ARLEN | I was taught the same thing, and my ancestors certainly weren't the pilgrims. It didn't harm me. |
| IRA | One day my father got it into his head that the second comin' was upon us. Came home from college to find that he had given everythin' away, furniture, savings account. Store Front had lost its lease. He was up on the roof of the Five and Dime wrapped in a percale sheet singin' and swayin' and prayin' and stompin' and smilin' so hard his teeth were dry! Callin' to the celestial shadows to take him home! After three days his mouth was scaly, tongue chapped. He wouldn't come down or shut the hell up. ...so I committed him. |
| ARLEN | I am sorry. |
| IRA | On his death bed he told me that makin' money was evil. That I was not a "good" black man because I was fat cat. Hell, I drove a black Volvo. That was rich by his standards. He called out for the great white Ruler of Heaven, the Hebrew God to bring down the stones of hell-fire on the white Sodom and Gomorrah that I was participatin' in. He called out to the children of Israel. But I couldn't. All I saw was a |
| (CONTINUED) | |
| IRA | beaten man. On his last mornin', I told him like it is. Told him that Christianity was simply to serve the needs of the white masters. That's the type of son I am, I told an old man, on his last breath, that his deep religious beliefs were intolerable. I calls him a psalms-singin' hypocrite! And then I buried him, not in the plain pine box he picked out, but in the best gold-leafed mahogany coffin money could buy! That's the type of son I am. |
| ARLEN | Then you're a follower of...? |
| IRA | The honorable Elijah Muhammad?! Perhaps! ...Perhaps not. I mean hell, if the great white icon won't deliver, then maybe the great Black God will. |
| ARLEN | It's a racist organization. |
| IRA | Oh,oh,oh!, how did I know you were gonna say that. |
| ARLEN | Only reason it exists is to scare the hell out of Jews. |
| IRA | Only thing a Jew fears is power. |
| ARLEN | ...True. I did then and I do now. I lived in holy terror of you and your buddies. You show up a the baseball field and we'd leave. Middle of a game, drop the bats and walk. No questions asked. That's power! |
| IRA | Once again, you got me confused. I know how you Jews think we all look alike. |
| ARLEN | That's bullshit and you know it! |
| IRA | I think my memory is a little clearer, you may not know who I was, but I do know who your father was. |
| ARLEN | Leave him out of this! Dammit! He worked every day of his life to afford those crappy four units. We had it tougher than you! |
| IRA | What the hell history book are you reading from? |
| ARLEN | My father came to this country with less than nothing! Times were so tough, he used to say that we forgot to thank God. |
| IRA | Shit, when we got here, we had no God! That was the first thing they took. |
| ARLEN | But he worked his way out and when he died in his townhouse in Jerusalem, he knew that he deserved it! (beat) Yet he was also filled with great guilt. |
| IRA | Guilt? |
| ARLEN | Guilt that he had survived. Guilt for leaving friends behind. |
| IRA | Bull shit. He knew we couldn't move and he exploited that! |
| ARLEN | No! You didn't hate the Jew landlord, you hated me because you knew that one word out of my mouth and you and your mother would be kicked flat out of that place. And yet you also knew that I'd never open my mouth-- |
| IRA | The code of the street. |
| ARLEN | Total fear! (beat) And respect. I... I wanted to be like you. Wanted to be more athletic. More masculine. What I would've given for one fine incident with a truant officer. Didn't want to be like the Jews of Judenstrasse who quietly gave up their homes. Sold them at a loss. One hundred thousand of us moved in three years. Fifteen synagogues closed without a fight. Fifteen synagogues turned Baptist Churches. Another exodus! |
| IRA | Nothing new, you were running away from us back in Egypt. |
| ARLEN | The day before we moved, I saw you. Sabbath was almost over. It was the time after sundown but before nightfall. Bayn Hashmashot my father would say. The time between the suns. When he counted three stars in the night sky he'd announce that Sabbath was over and we could turn on Gunsmoke. (Beat) I was waiting for that third star, looking out the window when I saw you. Me with a stomach full of crappy cold matsa balls, you hanging out on the corner without a hat. I wanted your freedom. Wanted control. To live without rules. |
| IRA | My freedom? |
| ARLEN | Yes. |
| IRA | That's comic. |
| ARLEN | It's the truth. You had control. On the playground and in the schools. |
| IRA | Control? |
| ARLEN | You had it, you just never knew it. |
| IRA | Then why did Mrs. Burns hate my guts. Knew it the moment I walked into crappy Herzel Elementary. To this day, I hate anything painted industrial gray. Place looked like a factory. |
| ARLEN | As if we were child laborers rather than students. |
| IRA | And she the slave master! Always pickin' on me. Askin' me questions I didn't, couldn't know. The complex ones she saved for the negro kids. Thought I was brain damaged. |
| ARLEN | Nor was she kind to us Jews. Or the Italian kids. |
| IRA | To punish me one day she made me look up the word 'black' in a thesaurus. Forced me to read it out loud in front of the class. The first was "ebony." What a wonderful word I thought. But then, as I read, I found her true purpose. I read aloud "dull" which was followed by "gloomy" and then came "cheerless" and "somber and mournful, unpromising. Sinful. Ignoble. Abominable. Satanic! Shameful!" Finally, "unpardonable!" And I read each word way out loud, tryin' to be strong, tryin' to hold my head up high! Barked each word! Shouted them to the heavens above! Satanic! Shameful! Unpardonable! (beat) When I finished she said I could sit. Never did I imagine that a teacher, a teacher for God's sakes, could be so cruel! |
| (Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | You used to tell about the zebra crossings outside your hut in Africa. |
| IRA | Zebra crossings? |
| ARLEN | Zebra paths. Used to tell how you'd hunt zebra. What zebra meat tasted like. What it was like to wake up in the morning and not have to smell the stench of Lawndale. For a passive Jewish kid, your stories were wonderful. I wanted to go there, to the place where life was easier. Where the women were all topless. Where you could become a man without being scared all the damn time. You made it sound so... so... |
| IRA | Please don't use the word, "zesty." |
| ARLEN | Romantic. |
| IRA | Bullshit. |
| ARLEN | It was extraordinary. |
| IRA | How could it be? Never been to Africa. Don't know the place. |
| ARLEN | You told stories in detention. |
| IRA | It was crap! |
| ARLEN | It was too real to be crap! |
| IRA | You... I have no history! I was denied that. What the hell group I am... lost. My real last name, lost. Christ, Weinberg! I got those stories out of National Geographic. |
| ARLEN | What're you saying? |
| IRA | Made'em up! Was born in Montgomery! |
| ARLEN | Alabama? |
| IRA | No, Montgomery, Botswana! Your father's grim little shitty bownstone is my heritage. |
| (Beat.) | |
| ARLEN | Be proud then. We are. |
| IRA | Proud? (beat) Last night, I went for a ride in the old hood, saw the place. Sat in my car. Listenin' to the music. Watchin' the neighbors play. Knowin' that I can never again join the celebration. |
| ARLEN | Why not? |
| IRA | I'm a black defendin' a white cop. Do you really think they're goin' to invite me home for some BBQ?! Pat me on the back and say, "We really don't mind that you're addin' credibility to a honky ass, nigger hatin' cop!" You know what the rumor is about our boy? They say before he hung Proxy, he cut his nuts off. Took his manliness, sliced it off at the root and put'em in a mason jar. Put his balls in a Ball jar! (laughs) Rumor is, he's still got'em. How he must treasure them. Late at night, when Mrs McDill failed to achieve orgasm, he must've gone down stairs, taken'em out, and held'em close for comfort. |
| (Beat. ARLEN tries to change the subject.) | |
| ARLEN | They're nice units in that peo... I mean, people in the unit. They always pay their rent on time. I'm sure if you just knocked, I sure of this, they'd welcome you home. |
| IRA | Oh my God. |
| (IRA stares at ARLEN.) | |
| ARLEN | ...What? ...What!? |
| IRA | You're the damn landlord. |
| ARLEN | So? I mean, of course my father left me the place. What? Why shouldn't he? Am I supposed to feel guilty about this too? Feel guilty like a good little liberal Jew should? |
| IRA | No, I don't expect Jew slumlords to feel guilty about shit. |
| ARLEN | I Am Not A Slumlord! |
| IRA | I saw the place last night. When was the last time you were there? |
| ARLEN | ...Fuck you. |
| IRA | So it's been a while. |
| ARLEN | I don't think this is about some crappy brownstone in Lawndale. |
| (IRA deliberately slaps each photo down in front of ARLEN. One photo at a time.) | |
| IRA | Forensic anthropologist's report! Some anemia, a head injury--! |
| ARLEN | You're jealous because we Jews have a history. |
| IRA | A minor shoulder injury--! |
| ARLEN | We've spent thousands of years making that history. We died for that history, for our identity, our family-- |
| IRA | Slight build--! |
| ARLEN | We've had a four-thousand year obsession with knowledge and literacy! |
| IRA | Five-foot-nine--! |
| ARLEN | But you have no traditions! No rituals to guide your manners. I don't think the American black has ever really looked at himself and seen that it's up to you to create those traditions and rituals! Not God! |
| IRA | African origin--! |
| ARLEN | And yes, I feel guilty because of that. But not guilty enough to put up with your insults. Not guilty enough to sell my father's apartment at a loss. Not guilty enough to die gleefully at the hands of a black man, crying "free at last"! |
| IRA | Moment of truth, Weinberg! The question you must answer. Are these the bones of one Proxy Green--? |
| ARLEN | (beat) There's no way of knowing-- |
| IRA | Hair samples--? |
| ARLEN | Too few. Can't be used to positively identify-- |
| IRA | Teeth--! |
| ARLEN | There are no teeth--. |
| IRA | That's right. They were brutally ripped from the jaw after death. What kinda mind would think of such a thing? |
| ARLEN | |