NIGHTS AT THE ROUND TABLE
By William Missouri Downs and Lou Anne Wright
Cast of Characters:
Hazel Ruby The older bar owner
Harry The younger bar owner
The Governor (Marlon Monroe) Older, a candidate
Diane Harry's dream girl
Sarah Diane's daughter (age 8ish)
John Rose Diane's Husband, a parolee
A Nice Single Girl A nice single girl
Plus: A Policeman and a small chorus of Bar Regulars
TIME: The Present (October 31st)
PLACE: Garrison, Iowa
SETTING: The Round Table Bar. A rustic building which has housed a bar since F.D.R. revoked prohibition. There are pinball machines, a pool table, an ancient moose head over the door, neon beer advertisements and Mens' and Womens' bathrooms, respectively labeled "Pointers" and "Setters".
On the other side of the room is the front door which leads to a porch; it is left over from the days during prohibition when the building was probably a country store. At the end of the porch, partially hidden by the autumn leaves, is a sign which reads, "Hazel and Harry's Round Table Bar." Bleeding through the old paint are the words, "Bob's Bar & Grill".
| | ACT ONE
(As the lights rise we hear cheering. A small crowd of BAR REGULARS [ranchers and farmers] have gathered to hear MARLON MONROE, known to all as the GOVERNOR, give Richard Nixon's resignation speech.) (The Governor's heavy frame stands atop a soap box as he delivers a great, theatrical, oration. Around him, the bar is decorated in red, white and blue bunting.) |
"...I have never been a quitter!!!!! But as President, I must put the interest of America first. Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour."
| | (The BAR REGULARS burst into applause.) |
FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!
| | (HAZEL RUBY, a fifty year old Iowa type `A` personality quiets the crowd.) |
Please! Everyone! Please! Quiet!
CONCESSION SPEECH, CONCESSION SPEECH, WE WANT A CONCESSION SPEECH! CONCESSION SPEECH, CONCESSION SPEECH, WE WANT A CONCESSION SPEECH!
| | (HAZEL finally gets them quiet.) |
"To have served in this office is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every American. In leaving it, I do so with this prayer: May God's grace be with you in all the days ahead." Thank you, goodnight.
| | (Wild applause. The GOVERNOR bows and heads for the bar.) |
Nice job, Governor!
Thank you!
Wow! I was transported back to 1974!
Governor, can I make a request?
Certainly!
Nixon's "Checkers" speech.
I'd like to hear, William Jennings Bryan's "Cross of Gold".
All requests will be considered!
| | (THE GOVERNOR makes his way to the bar where HAZEL RUBY is taping Halloween things to the bar's mirrors.) |
Nice job tonight, Gov.
Good evening Hazel, you are beautiful as always.
Thank you, your honor. How about another speech? Got a few more requests from this afternoon. Let's see, "Life of Strenuous Endeavor" and "The Gettysburg Address".
First a drink.
Two minutes.
I may be dead in two minutes.
| | (HAZEL RUBY checks the cash drawer.) |
Dimes. Harry! Dimes! Harry, we need some damn dimes!
| | (HARRY enters through the back door. He's a shy man of 31. He tosses down an empty trash can and scrapes the bottom of his shoe with a stick.) |
You really should get a lock for this back door.
We need dimes! And while you're at it, nickels.
This place could be cleaner.
Harry, you're actually taking a personal interest in the Round Table?
No, but it could be cleaner.
You know where the broom is; do something about it.
Hazel, would it be possible for me to bring up a particular subject, without you going crazy on me?
What the hell does that mean?
You promise to remain as cool and calm as you are right now?
Harry, I'm so bored I could drop dead. God I must be blind, we've got only two quarters.
I'll get'em.
What's the problem, Harry? We've all got problems. Life is too short to be shy about them.
| | (When HARRY gets nervous he has a bad habit of stammering . He's nervous.) |
I...ah...I...
Spit it out!
Quarters.
Now there's an inflammatory subject.
| | (HARRY exits to the men's bathroom.) |
This place smells.
Open a window.
It smells like my Grandmother's house.
Why thank you.
She's been dead for twenty years. Good God, what's that?
| | (The GOVERNOR sees the Halloween things taped to the mirrors.) |
A goblin.
I thought it was a picture of Everett Dirksen!
It's Halloween.
Halloween? I thought they canceled that.
As far as I know it's still going strong. Harry found a bag of burning shit on the back porch no more than twenty minutes ago. Dinner?
Not in the mood.
Marlon, I think someone should have a man-to-man talk with Harry.
Man-to-man eh? You want to do it or should I?
It could be a girl.
A girl?
Yeah, like me, only younger.
How much does he know about them?
He hasn't had a date in six months.
You must be patient.
He's thirty-one years old and I think he's a virgin.
Sounds like a filibuster to me.
| | (HARRY enters from the men`s room.) |
Well, I guess I'll bring another keg up from the cellar. Harry, take over would ya?
| | (HAZEL RUBY shoots THE GOVERNOR a poignant look and exits to the back room.) |
Ahem, well, what appointments do I have coming up?
| | (HARRY looks at large John Deere calendar as the GOVERNOR grabs a bar napkin and pen.) |
Tomorrow at the Vinton Literary Club. It's going to be the annual Husband's night.
Damn. I'm better with the ladies. What else?
I tried, but every other club was booked, except for the Senior Citizen's Luncheon, but you can't go back there.
I didn't start that food fight.
I know you didn't.
I had no idea that Senior Citizens could be so opinionated.
I think you let the hecklers get to you.
It's not like the old days.
No sir.
Harry, you got something you want to tell me? Something up? Call it politician's intuition.
...well. ...Something happened to me the other day.
It wouldn't be a girl would it?
As a matter for fact, yes, it is.
| | (Suddenly HAZEL RUBY screams with joy as she comes out of hiding from around the corner.) |
You're kidding! What's her name? Where's she live? Is she a blonde? A redhead? God, say she's not a redhead! I'll let her be a redhead only if she dyes it! Where did you meet her? This is great!
This calls for a drink! The drinks are on me!
| | (Several of the REGULARS run to the bar for a free drink.) |
You got a date with her?
I think so.
| | (Another scream of joy from HAZEL RUBY as she pops the cork on a bottle of champagne.) |
Congratulations boy; you're now a man.
I'm proud of you, Harry. I'm so happy I think I could cry. It's like V.J. day all over again.
You see, this is what I was worried about. It's just a girl.
Where did you meet her?
At the Beauteria.
The Beauteria! My God! It's a hairdresser. No Vicki Inzer, she's too old for you.
It's not Vicki.
Oh no, then it's Taletha Wheeler. Her mother's a teetotaling faith healer! Oh God, do we have problems.
It's not Taletha either.
Thank God, She's your second cousin.
Hazel, you're my second cousin.
Well, tell us boy, before the crowd goes insane and storms the grandstand to rip you apart with their bare hands! The name, Harry, the name!
Diane Shook.
Shook?
Shook.
Shook?
Yes, Shook.
Shook?
This isn't any of your business.
Oh God, I often have trouble dealing with people whose last names are intransitive verbs.
Is she smart? I hope to God she's smart. But, it doesn't really matter you know. She could be as dumb as a post, and I wouldn't say a thing this time.
Is she Republican, Democrat or Bull Moose?
I don't know.
How can you date her without knowing how she registers?
I'm pretty sure she's not Bull Moose.
Is she pretty? I hope so, for your sake. But of course minor flaws are acceptable. Does she have all her teeth?
Yes.
When's the wedding?
I knew this would happen.
All right, where are you going to take her?
I've got the perfect date. Take her over to West Branch and see Herbert Hoover's birthplace and grave. It'll be a great afternoon.
Don't listen to him. Remember, you did that with the Smith girl and she went screaming off into the woods.
That's only because I slammed her hand in the car door.
But, did she enjoy it?
She had to spend the night in the hospital.
But, did she enjoy it!
No! She didn't.
What did I tell you. Now you pick her up and you take her out for some dinner. Not to the T-birds but some place nice. Some place with tablecloths. Some place with crepes!
| | (HARRY glances at his watch.) |
How `bout here?
I don't know how to make crepes.
Did you take her to see the slide presentation about the Hoover Dam, narrated by Lowell Thomas?
What?
The Smith girl.
No. I had to rush her to the emergency room.
Ah-ha! No wonder she didn't enjoy it.
Now tell me about her. You met her at the Beauteria and she's not a hairdresser, so she was having her hair done.
She's new in town.
She's moving into the empty apartment above the laundry.
No, she's new in Vinton. She was looking for work over here at the Beauteria.
Once you settle down she won't have to work anymore.
Hazel!
Of course it's her choice.
I went over to get my hair cut and while I was waiting, two of the most beautiful ladies I've ever seen walked in.
Which one was her?
Both of them.
Oh Lord, she's twins. Now ease into it, boy. Don't bite off more than you can fit into your mouth.
No, it was Diane and her little girl.
Oh dear.
She has a child?
The sweetest thing you've ever seen.
Divorced, separated or widowed?
Divorced.
How do you know?
I asked Taletha if I could see her job application.
Good, we'll have something to talk about. Harry, I was going to save this for your birthday but this is just too important. I've just got to give it to you now. Happy Birthday.
| | (HAZEL RUBY reaches behind the bar and pulls out a box.) |
Ah, thanks.
| | (HAZEL RUBY opens the box, pulls out a book and reads the title.) |
I saw it advertised in your Motor Trend Magazine. "Women, How To".
Oh my God! Put it down.
Listen to this. This book will make you, quote, "dramatically more comfortable in social situations." Harry, you've got to read this. It's by Dr. Harry Seymour Pukka. Look, he's got your name and he's a doctor.
Hazel, these people just say they're doctors.
| | (HAZEL RUBY shows HARRY the author's picture on the back of the book.) |
Look.
I don't believe that stethoscope for a minute.
It says he's been studying how to pick up women for twenty years.
Does it mention whether he ever succeeded?
Harry, what you got there?
Nothing! Nothing at all.
Hey, that's that book, "Women, How To".
Put the book down.
Good luck, Harry.
Hazel, this book is for idiots.
I know that but it still could do some good. Look here, he's got a chapter on just about everything. "One hundred and one places where women outnumber men", "How to pick up a woman even if you're lame".
Put down the book!
This is very useful, Harry. No two ways about it. This doctor had you in mind when he wrote this book.
Hazel, thank you, but I don't need this book.
Hell, he even "guarantees" success!
I've already succeeded in picking her up.
Well, there are chapters on what to do after you get her phone number. For example this one, "How to remember it".
She's coming over here tonight.
You're kidding!
I wanted to go to a movie but she insisted on meeting me over here.
Open a window! We've got to get this place aired out!
She's not expecting anything more than a bar.
But this place is so plain. Why don't you take her to Waterloo?
She insisted.
Damnit! Where's my Lysol!
| | (HAZEL RUBY begins frantically cleaning. Harry grabs the book.) |
Can we hide this?
Here, I'll put it under the register in case you need a reference.
Governor, can you do me a favor?
Would you like to make a request?
I was wondering, could you give tonight's speech before she comes. She may not understand.
If you want, Harry.
Harry, I think you hurt the Governor's feelings.
No, not at all. Years of training, Hazel. I never show a true emotion while campaigning. If you saw anything on my face it was the stiff upper lip; the strong defiant leader of men, and of women, I haven't forgotten the women. The confident savior of the Republic. Hazel, another drink.
Take it for me, Harry.
How about another speech, Governor?
| | GOVERNOR
(working himself into a lather)
|
Tonight, Stevenson, no Washington, no that wouldn't be right at all. Truman! Tonight Truman! Come Wednesday morning you'll see me in the Times as the greatest Cinderella victory in U.S. history. "Marlon Monroe Defeats Everyone And His Brother"!
Speech! Speech!
No, the crowd isn't big enough.
Speech! Speech!
It's as big as last night's.
Speech! Speech!
Where's My Soapbox!
| | (The REGULARS cheer. HARRY brings over an old Soapbox and THE GOVERNOR steps onto it.) |
Apropos of our surroundings, I'm inclined to give a speech by a famous former bartender.... "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon upon this continent a new nation...".
I didn't know Harry Truman said that.
"...Conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal..."
| | (A REGULAR enters from the men`s room shaking water off his hands.) |
Hey, Hazel, you're out of paper towels!
"...We're now engaged in a great Civil War, testing whether this nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure."
A-7!
| | (HARRY drops a coin in the juke box.)
|
| | HARRY
(Muttering to himself)
|
A-7....A-7.
| | (The Juke box clicks on with "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic.) |
"We cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who have struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. It is for us the living rather to be here dedicated to the unfinished work which they, thus far, have so nobly carried on. That we here highly resolve that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom and that Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth!"
| | (As THE GOVERNOR nears the end, DIANE and SARAH enter. DIANE is a warm woman in her early thirties. SARAH, 8 years old, is dressed in a white sheet with eye-holes cut in it. At the end of THE GOVERNOR`s speech, there is an ovation from the small crowd and the REGULARS gather around to shake his hand. HARRY spies DIANE.) |
Now remember what I told you.
Hello.
Hi, Harry.
Booooo!
Hi, Sarah.
How'd you know it was me, Harry?
Wild guess.
The Drinks Are On Me!
| | (The REGULARS rush to the bar for a free drink. THE GOVERNOR sees SARAH.) |
What's this? A baby? Well, it's close enough. Hazel, is there any film in your camera?
Always.
| | (THE GOVERNOR lifts SARAH up and HAZEL RUBY takes their picture.) |
Well, young lady, how does it feel to have your picture taken with the next Governor of the great state of Iowa?
Silly.
What's your name?
Sarah. What's yours?
I'm Marlon Monroe, esquire, gubernatorial candidate representing the Grand Bull Moose Party, at your service.
Is that your costume?
You bet.
I'm sorry sir, but she's really scared of heights.
You must be her mother.
Yes.
Tell me, what're you going to vote Tuesday, Republican, Democratic, or Bull Moose?
I'm sorry, I'm not registered.
Silliness! Hazel, hand me one of those forms. I can register you right here.
Governor...
Not being registered is un-American!
Here, let me have that. I'll register her.
Alright boy, but don't let that date who's coming over see you sitting with another woman.
This is my date.
Am I making an ass of myself?
All you need are the long ears.
Hazel, I'd like you to meet Diane and Sarah.
Smile!
| | (Hazel takes their picture.) |
Nice to meet you.
| | DIANE
(Blinded by the flash)
|
Yes, nice to meet you.
Governor, Diane and Sarah.
He's funny.
Hi.
Charmed.
Make yourselves comfortable.
I thought we were supposed to be Trick-or-Treating.
I'm afraid it'll have to wait a few minutes, honey.
Poop.
Beer?
Harry, she's not going to want beer. Wine! Ladies like wine! (to Diane) We got some of of that Paul Masson stuff. You know, that guy who will sell no wine before it's ready.
Oh no, I'll need a martini.
Hazel, a martini and a Hamms, please.
| | HAZEL RUBY
(to the Governor)
|
Impressive.
It's on me!
If you're going to sit there, light that candle, it'll make it more atmospheric.
You're funny.
So are you.
Can I join you?
Sarah, you don't want to get in his way.
Not in my way at all. I would be delighted to have you join me. Can I buy you a drink?
Um, martini, please.
I'll have the same.
Right. Two martinis, one virgin martini, and a Hamm's.
Hey mister, you got any candy?
Why sure. Hazel, hand me a few of those beef jerkys.
| | (During the following dialogue SARAH gnaws on beef jerky while THE GOVERNOR shows her various string tricks.) |
Did you get the job?
Yes, I need to thank you, Harry. That was an unusual act of kindness, donating your head like that.
I needed a haircut anyway.
Thank you.
What do you say, let's celebrate? We could go to a movie or something over in Cedar Rapids?
I've really got to get back home.
If it's a babysitter, I'm sure that Hazel...
I'm sorry, Harry.
Oh. I understand. If you got something you want to do it's all right, your life is your own, I mean, if you got a date already or something it's all right, who are you going out with?
It's not another date.
Well, whatever.
Harry, there's something I've got to tell you.
| | (DIANE sees HAZEL RUBY coming towards them.) |
Ah, I think it's a little long on this side.
No one ever notices.
| | (HAZEL RUBY brings HARRY a Hamms and DIANE a tall frosted glass with an umbrella and straw.) |
I'm sorry, Hazel.
Yes dear.
I ordered a martini.
And I want to thank you. We appreciate it. We don't get much of a chance to make'em around here.
It's on me!
Ah, thank you.
| | (HAZEL RUBY goes back to the bar.) |
I hope you don't think my family is too weird?
| | DIANE
(Thinking the opposite) |
No, not at all.
Hazel and I own this place. She was married to my brother, Bob, before he died. And the Governor is the great, great, great, grandson of James Monroe. You can call him, Marlon, if you like.
No, I think "Governor" is cute.
He almost became Governor when he was a Republican in 1956, that's...ah...why we call him that.
Don't forget 1960. They needed two re-counts that year.
| | (To HARRY's chagrin THE GOVERNOR joins them at the table.) |
Yes, it was close in 1960 also. Marlon has been in every gubernatorial race since then.
You're certainly persistent.
My father is responsible for that. He told me that I should always go forward, never go back; always confront the challenges of life, never avoid them; and he left a will that states that I must run for public office every four years in order to get the money.
I'm head of his campaign committee, or, I should say, I am his campaign committee.
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat!"
| | (DIANE doesn't know what to make of this. Harry is embarrassed.) |
Theodore Roosevelt, 1899.
Oh.
| | (SARAH points at a Mason Jar filled with yellowish liquid and floating brown chunks.) |
What's this stuff?
Those are pickled turkey gizzards. They go great with beer, and I'm sure they're not bad with martinis.
| | (THE GOVERNOR opens the jar and SARAH sticks her hand in.) |
Sarah!
Sorry, Mom.
If pickles is all I'm going to get, then pickles I'm going to take.
Sarah, we'll go trick-or-treating soon, I promise.
Maybe we could go together.
I've got to talk to you, Harry.
Please!
Perhaps I could be of some assistance. With your permission, Diane, I could take Sarah trick-or-treating.
I don't know.
She'll be fine.
Hazel, some coffee!
What is this, a joke?
Governor, you promise to take care of her?
| | (THE GOVERNOR holds up his right hand.) |
So help me God.
Please.
It's up to you, Mom.
Stay in the area.
Yippeeee!
As long as I'm going door-to-door, I might as well take some of these along.
| | (THE GOVERNOR takes a handful of political pins and pamphlets.)HARRY
|
It's a small town, not much can happen.
Goodbye, kids.
Goodbye, goodbye.
Behave!
"I Shall Return!"
| | (THE GOVERNOR and SARAH exit to the front porch.) |
Let's go some place quiet.
How about the front porch.
Sure.
| | (HARRY and DIANE cross to the front door. They stop and listen to the GOVERNOR and SARAH who are standing on the porch.) |
Sarah, I was wondering if you could do me a little favor?
Sure.
Instead of saying, "Trick-or-Treat" this time, could you say, "A Vote For Marlon Monroe Is A Vote For Marlon Monroe"!
Will I still get candy?
More than that, you'll receive at absolutely no cost to you, a free, "Marlon Monroe to Win" Pin!
Can you eat them?
No. You wear them, like this.
| | (THE GOVERNOR pins one on SARAH.) |
I'd rather have chocolate covered peanuts.
So would I.
Governor, you're not doing what I think you're doing.
What would that be?
A VOTE FOR MARILYN MONROE IS A VOTE FOR MARILYN MONROE! Where's my chocolate pin?
They're not chocolate, dear.
I think everyone in Garrison is going to vote for you.
You never can be too sure, Harry.
Let's go!
We're off!
A VOTE FOR MARILYN MONROE IS A VOTE FOR MARILYN MONROE!
| | (THE GOVERNOR looks at his coffee as if it is responsible for the following realization.) |
That is about the stupidest campaign slogan I've ever heard. Amazing stuff, this `coffee'.
A VOTE FOR MARILYN MONROE...
MARLON!
...IS A VOTE FOR MARILYN MARLON!
| | (SARAH runs off . THE GOVERNOR follows, drinking his coffee. HARRY and DIANE are left alone on the porch.) |
Harry, I feel it's important you know a little about me.
Sure.
There's so much you don't know.
All I know is that you're the first woman I've ever been calm around.
Calm?
Comparatively calm. Normally I either talk a woman into the ground or sit there and not say a word. The worst part of an evening is always taking a girl home. With the Smith girl I moved in to kiss her, tripped and fell right into her face. She had to wear a retainer for a month and a half.
You're kidding.
Ah, right, of course, I'm kidding. It's just a joke.... You don't believe me do you. Look, I don't believe me. Here's my big chance to start off new with a girl and all I do is bring up the dumb things I've done in the past. Do you think they're dumb? Of course you think they're dumb and for a very good reason....they're dumb. But, I'm much better now. That happened over ten years ago. I kiss women now all the time, without incident. I don't want to give you the impression that I'm a total wimp. Once I beat a guy named Hector. Yeah, he was bugging me so I hit him over the head with my lunch pail. It was not a pretty sight.
I hate violence. I find it offensive.
Oh. I said I was sorry.
| | (HAZEL RUBY pops her head out the door.) |
Another martini?
No thanks, I'm fine.
| | (HAZEL RUBY steps out on the porch.) |
So. You're a hairdresser at the Beauteria.
Yeah.
How long you been in town?
A week. We, Sarah and I, rented a place over in Vinton.
That's what Harry said. You're lucky.
Yes, we really need a place.
No, you're lucky meeting Harry. He's the best, know what I mean? The kindest, most wonderful...
Hazel...
Shhhh. (to Diane) You got any scissors?
Ma'am?
Scissors! If you're going to to be cutting hair at the Beauteria you got to have scissors.
Oh, well, I do have...
Wait a second.
| | (HAZEL RUBY runs inside.) |
I must warn you, Hazel likes to give things way. You can't fight it so don't try.
I really don't need any scissors.
It's a good sign, it means she likes you.
| | (HAZEL RUBY walks out on the porch with a small leather pouch. She removes a pair of scissors from it.) |
Take a look at those. Those are real, genuine barber's scissors which my Father used to cut Herbert Hoover's hair with in 1929.
Impressive.
And look here, Daddy's name engraved right on the handle. What do you think?
They're nice.
You like'm?
Yes.
They're yours!
What? No, really now.
I want you to have'em. They're just sitting on the shelf doing nothing. My Daddy would be thrilled to know they're being used.
Hazel, this is too personal. I mean, being the exact pair your father cut Herbert Hoover's hair with.
That reminds me.
| | (HAZEL RUBY looks into the pouch and carefully takes out a sandwich baggie filled with dark brown lumps.) |
Yup, it's still there. Herbert Hoover's hair! You could pin that up on the wall of the beauty shop. Be a great conversation piece. Go on. Take it. I won't rest till you say `yes'.
Well....
Go ahead.
....Thank you.
What're you doing out here anyhow?
Waiting for Sarah.
Oooooo, that reminds me, I've got something for Sarah too.
That's okay, Hazel.
No trouble.
| | (HAZEL RUBY enters the bar. DIANE turns away from HARRY.) |
Diane, is something wrong?
Oh no.
| | (HARRY comes up behind DIANE and puts his hand on her shoulder.) |
Diane...
Ouch!
I'm sorry. Don't tell me I've injured you already?
No, just sore.
You got a bruise?
I...fell down...while jogging.
Oh.
Yes, extremely sore.
You should have a doctor look at that. I can get you the name of one in Vinton.
No, I'll heal.
Diane, it may be too early for this; I don't want to scare you, but I think it's entirely possible that I'm going to be falling in ah...I....ah.....I.....
Don't say it, Harry.
I always have a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time with girls and that sort. I didn't want to say nothing so I thought I'd better say something. Are you upset?
No, I think you're sweet.
I was wondering, if you can't go out tonight, how about soon? Saturday or something.
No, Saturday I'm busy.
Oh. You're popular.
No, I'm not popular, Harry...
HARRY!
Harry....
HARRY!
WHAT! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, Diane. Hazel, what is it?
I need you for a moment!
I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
I've got the perfect gift. What do you think?
Oh Hazel, it's a bit much isn't it?
Not at all. Help me pull it out.
| | (They pull a pinball machine out of the storage room.) |
What child wouldn't kill to have a pinball machine in her basement.
Does it work?
Screw there, wire here, good as new. Harry, don't look at me like I'm off my rocker. When you were a kid, where did you spend half of every Saturday? At a pinball machine, right?
I suppose.
I like her, Harry. She's the warmest looking thing you've brought home in five years. Where are you taking her?
Date's off. She's got something to do.
Ask her out again.
She said `no' for Saturday.
Have you sent flowers? Do it. Do it tomorrow, without fail. Harry you've got to take life by the horns and blow. Grab her before someone else does.
I don't know if I could grab her. I put my hand on her shoulder and she pulled away. Made up some story about a bruise she got while jogging.
Try the other shoulder, maybe she's telling the truth.
No Hazel, I'm a failure with women.
No you're not. You're handsome. You're debonair. You're a woman's dream. Now, pick up the other end of this and pull.
I tried to tell her that I love her.
Not too early with the love stuff, save it till she wants it. Trust me. I've been married four times. Now run down the alley to Hector Morgan's. I loaned my microbus to him and he still hasn't returned it. We're going to need it to haul this to Diane's.
This may be too much for a first date.
No, not at all. Now pull it around front and I'll hold off on the surprise till you get back. Hurry.
| | (HARRY exits by the back door. HAZEL RUBY crosses to the front door.) |
Diane, do you mind if I send Harry on a little errand?
I guess not.
Come on in and we'll chat. Love to stay out there but I got to keep servin' even on an off night.
| | (HAZEL RUBY and DIANE enter the bar.) |
So, what do you think of Garrison, any different than ...than...
Joliet.
Illinois?
Yes.
I know the place. Used to date a guard from the prison there.
Oh?
What's the matter honey? You seem a little nervous. Things are happening too fast, right? The Governor and I get a little pushy. We`ll both admit it. I'll admit it now and Marlon will admit it when he gets back. It's just our nature to make up for Harry's total lack of oats when it comes to women. He's shy if you haven't noticed, but he likes you and I've still got enough woman in me to see a young woman in love.
I'm thirty-two.
So you're a year older than Harry and maybe a little taller, who notices? You realize that you and Harry remind me a lot of my second marriage. I was married four times, wait, five, well, six if you count the one that was annulled when I was fifteen. But that second one, not counting the one that was annulled, was the best. Nothing ever topped it. If I had my way Dougie and I would still be married today. You see, when I was your age I let another five years go by before it occurred to me that first marriages are always failures. They were never meant to succeed. And all those successful first marriages you read about are really failures in private. It's just a big joke on everyone. If they really wanted first marriages to succeed, they'd put a moratorium on marriage until the age of thirty or thirty-two.
Why aren't you still married to Dougie?
Hell, that lasted one glorious year, then he went his way and I went mine. Sorry I ever let him go. Dougie and I were married when I was forty-two and he was seventeen. His mother didn't like the idea of his being married to an older woman, well older than she was anyway. Young men, it's the key to life. (beat) My third and fourth and Harry's brother were all older than me and nothing ever happened. One worked himself to death at the Del Monte plant the other sat on the back porch waiting for his arteries to harden and then there was Harry's brother. Hell, Harry's brother. Tell me something, does Sarah remember her father?
Quite well. But she cries when anyone talks about him, so please don't bring it up.
Run off with another woman?
Can I have another martini?
Coming up. You'll be able to talk about it with time.
No need to put an umbrella in it this time.
No extra charge. You know, Harry's brother, Bob, ran off with a redhead. Was in such a hurry to get out of town, he didn't even stop for the seed train. Derailed thirteen cars, transformed his LeSabre convertible into an import and killed himself in the process. Talk about poetic justice, he took that redhead with him. You can tell me, was it messy?
It must have been.
You don't know?
I wasn't there.
You weren't there for your own divorce?
Oh! My divorce, oh, sure it was.
That's the only favor Bob ever did me. All I had to sit through was ten minutes of a lawyer telling me that Harry and I had inherited the place. The only problem was that after that train knocked Bob into the next county, people started calling the place Dead Bob's. We know something had to be done about that. (beat) So, Harry, the Governor and I had a think session. Harry wanted to call the place "Harrys". We could tell that Harry was in the midst of a creative fit. He's a real bright boy, so don't think I'm talking him down. It's just that sometimes his ideas don't gel with the real world. When he was a senior in high school, he got elected to think up the theme for the half-time at homecoming. He came up with, "Let's Beat Viet Nam". Have you ever tried to make an M-16 out of crepe paper and chicken wire? We made three of these things before Harry and the committee, mostly the committee, thought better of the idea and changed the theme to "Surfin' Safari". We had spent so much time makin' those damned things, I didn't have the heart to throw them away. So we donated them to the public library. They used them in a display window recently, so I know they still got'em.
That was very generous of you.
So, we could see that Harry was going through a creative fit. Marlon tabled his idea, "The Oval Office". And it very well might have won had it not got me thinking in circles and I came up with "The Round Table". The Governor says it's got "panache". He went to law school you know.
Hazel, I've got a rather personal question to ask.
Sounds interesting.
It's about Harry. I was wondering about how he reacts to things, like, how does he take bad news?
Usually he falls into a deep fit of depression which nothing will alleviate, why?
Nothing. Just talking. I like your bar lamps.
You want'em?
No, I'm just admiring them.
They just screw in!
That's okay. Hazel, if it's all right with you, I'm going to go out on the porch and wait for Harry there.
You don't need permission. Go on, get some of that fresh Iowa air. That porch can be a very pleasant experience if Roy Cobber hasn't spread any manure on his field today.
You don't mind?
No, not at all. I've got work to do. Go on now. Git!
| | (DIANE exits to the porch. She removes an envelope from her purse an writes, "To Harry" on it. Inside, HAZEL RUBY, pulls some flowers out of a vase and runs out on the porch.) |
Oh, I nearly forgot. Harry asked me to give these to you.
| | (HAZEL RUBY hands the flowers to DIANE.) |
Oh. That was sweet of him.
Yes, it was wasn't it.
| | (HAZEL RUBY goes back in. DIANE tries to find a place to prop up the envelope. Suddenly SARAH jumps up from behind the porch.) |
Booooo!
| | (DIANE jumps. The GOVERNOR enters.) |
It worked! You scared the living daylights out of her.
Sarah! You scared Mommy very badly.
That was the plan. See my pins?
| | (SARAH's sheet is covered with pins.) |
I got one every time I yelled, "A VOTE FOR MARLON MONROE IS A VOTE FOR MARLON MONROE"!
MARLON!...oh, you got it right that time. In that case, you may have your candy back.
| | (THE GOVERNOR hands SARAH her bag of candy.) |
Thank You.
And what else did we learn?
Oh yeah, walk quietly....
Softly.
That's what I meant. And, carry a....a...
A big.
A big....
Stick.
Stick.
That's it! That's what I learned.
That's very useful, Sarah, you'll have to remember that.
But that's not all. What else did we learn?
Oh, that's much better.
Let's give it a try, shall we?
Okay.
Allah-man, Allah-man, Allah-Man-Octavia-Ish-Kitty-Boom-Boom, Ray-Postodiah-Go! Iowa! Iowa! Puuuuuuuuuush the ball!
| | (THE GOVERNOR stands up straight. He is very proud of himself.) |
That's just great.
If she's ever in the University of Iowa Hawkeye marching band, she's got it made!
This is the mostest fun I've had since we moved to this crummy place.
This place isn't crummy, Honey.
It's close.
That's perfectly all right, Sarah, I totally agree with your observation.
It was crummy till I met you.
I take it you'll be coming around here a lot more.
We'll be coming around everyday, right Mom?
We can't be too sure, Sarah.
That's all right. Every other day will do.
Sarah, could you do Mommy a favor?
Sure.
Go to the car.
Sure.
Governor, I was wondering if you could do me a little favor, also.
Anything within my power.
There I did it. I went to the car.
No, I meant stay at the car.
Oh.
| | (Saddened, SARAH walks off.) |
I may not be the best influence on her.
Governor, will you give this letter to Harry for me.
Sounds important. Are you all right?
I'll be fine. Will you do that for me?
Where is he?
Hazel's got him out doing an errand.
No. I don't mean Harry, I mean your husband.
| | (DIANE breaks down crying.) |
At home.
The same place you live?
He thinks I'm out trick-or-treating with Sarah.
There, there now. We are all tempted by life. Though being tempted by Harry is definitely a new twist.
What should I do?
I don't think a letter is the answer.
I was going to mail it from Vinton, but I couldn't. I just don't want to hurt him.
When one makes a poor political decision it is best to call a press conference and admit openly that a mistake has been made.
I don't think I could do that.
In that case, I think you should tell him. Just say it. The longer you wait the more harm done. Don't worry. Go ahead and tell him and I'll stay here and drink with him tonight.
Thank you, Governor.
| | (SARAH enters pulling HARRY.) |
Mommy, look who I found. He pulled up driving a lady bug.
How was the trick-or-treating.
Fine. I've got to get myself another drink.
| | (HAZEL RUBY runs out on the porch and drags Sarah inside.) |
You're back! Come here, I got somethin' I want to show you.
Sure.
You know what that is?
An old pinball machine?
And do you know who it belongs to?
Me?
That's right, you!
Hurrraaayyyy!
Sarah! You can't possibly have that.
She said it was mine.
Come on everyone! Let's take it to the bus!
| | (THE REGULARS lift the pinball machine and carry it off stage.) |
Harry, you've got to stop them.
I know it was too much.
Please, Harry, I've got to talk to you.
All right now, ALLEY OPP!
That's all right, it's not broken!
Harry, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
What? You mean you and me?
I'm really very sorry, Harry.
You lovebirds going to stand there or come along?
Hazel, Diane and I have to talk.
No problem. You ride with her and we'll follow you to her place.
Hazel.
| | (THE GOVERNOR attempts to wave her off.) |
I'll lock up the place and we'll all go.
No. They want to talk. Let's go inside.
Well hell. Hey everyone! They want to talk! Come on back inside!
| | (The LOCALS enter the bar.) |
| | HAZEL RUBY
(to the Governor) |
What's up?
Press conference.
But what about my pinball machine?
First another drink.
Martini?
It's on me.
No, Sarah, stay with me.
| | (THE GOVERNOR and HAZEL RUBY enter the bar.) |
Can't I play with the Governor? He's going to teach me the difference between a Repulicrat and a Demican.
It'll have to wait dear. First, I want you to go to the car.
I've been spending a lot of time in the car lately. It may not be good for me.
Sarah, remember how I'm always telling you that you can't play `driving' in the car?
Yes.
Well, I'm going to let you now.
Goodbye Harry. Should I say goodbye to the Governor and the old lady?
No, I'll take care of that. Just go.
| | (SARAH exits to the car. There is a pause, Sarah looks at Harry. A heart is about to be broken.) |
Why do I have the feeling you're about to tell me something I don't want to hear.
Because I am. I don't know how to say this except that, I, don't think we should see each other again.
I shouldn't have let you come here. My family is too weird for you. I know it. Hazel is crazy. I mean, for Christ's sake, she married my brother...and the Governor...
I love Hazel and the Governor and even the stupid pinball machine.
Sarah! Harry, you can't come to my house because I have a husband.
No you don't.
I'm a married woman, Harry.
| | (The car horn blares again.) |
Sarah! Pretend you're driving through a hospital zone, dear!
A husband.
Yes.
Where?
At home.
You wrote on your application that you were divorced.
I...I...I...made a mistake.
How could you make a mistake about something like that?
I'm sorry, Harry, what can I do to make it better?
Cheat.
Harry, when I saw you the other day at the Beauteria, I liked you. It's been so long since a man has bent over backwards to help me like you did. I found you attractive. Silly but attractive. Harry, I'm sorry. I knew exactly what I was doing. I lied because I knew you were watching me. It's just important that I end it now before real damage is done. I'm sorry. If I wasn't married I'd love to get to know you.
If you were happy with your marriage, you wouldn't be talking like this.
My husband has just been paroled. I've promised that I'd help him start his life over again. He needs me.
Prison?
Three-and-a-half years.
So, you're in love with him?
Stop it, Harry. I've got to go.
Diane. I never had a chance to kiss you.
No Harry. I've got to go or he'll be mad.
I'm not going to give up this easily.
Harry.
I'm not. Does he know that you're this unhappy with your marriage?
Don't you fool with him. Don't you dare fool with him, or I'll never speak to you again.
It sounds like you were never going to speak with me again anyway.
Harry, if you love me, if you care about me and my well being, then you won't do anything more. I'm sorry I led you on, but it's not worth you tangling with him.
Let me see that shoulder.
What?
Let me see your shoulder.
| | (HARRY grabs DIANE's wrist.) |
What are you doing this for?
Let me see it.
No. Harry, stop it.
| | (HARRY touches her shoulder. She winces.) |
There's really a bruise there.
I told you there was.
Did he do it?
Oh for Christ Sake! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!
| | (DIANE pulls away from HARRY and exits to her car.) |
I haven't given up. You hear me? I haven't given up!
| | (The car is heard pulling away) |
I might as well give up.
| | (HARRY thinks for a moment. Then he turns and slowly walks up the stairs and enters the bar. Everyone quiets when he enters. HARRY looks up to see all staring at him.) |
I am...I...ah...I...
Are you all right?
I...ah...I...
The Governor told me, Harry. I'm sorry.
I...ah...I...ah...
Hell, he's gone spastic on us.
Better take a seat, Harry. This one's on me.
That means I still own that old pinball machine.
| | (HAZEL RUBY takes out a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar.) |
Woah, whiskey isn't going to solve Harry's problems.
You're right. Harry, whiskey isn't going to kill the pain, but a little Kickapoo Joy Juice will really blow the cobs out.
| | (HAZEL RUBY reaches further under the bar and pulls up a mason jar filled with moonshine. She pours three glasses.) |
Times like these call for the best!
| | (THE GOVERNOR holds up his glass.) |
To Life!
| | (HAZEL RUBY holds up her glass.) |
To Life!
| | (HARRY follows suit. His hand is shaking.) |
T-t-t-to...ah...Luh...Life!
| | (The three of them drink. Pause. HARRY and THE GOVERNOR cough and wheeze at the liquor's kick; HAZEL RUBY is totally unaffected. DIANE re-enters and slowly steps to the porch. She watches as THE GOVERNOR begins giving advice to HARRY. Then she picks up the flowers and slowly exits as the lights fade.) |
| | End of Act One
ACT TWO
(It is now election night and the bar has been decorated with balloons and ribbons. It is quite a celebration. The televison glows with the election returns but cannot be heard due to the commotion.)
REGULARS
(chanting) |
CONCESSION SPEECH, CONCESSION SPEECH, WE WANT A CONCESSION SPEECH! CONCESSION SPEECH, CONCESSION SPEECH, WE WANT A CONCESSION SPEECH!
All right! All right! Go about your drinking. The Governor will be making his entrance soon. Please! Let's keep it to a dull roar! (To HARRY) Sure. I'm getting too old for this. You start dividing your life up into four year segments and it begins to occur to you how short it all is. How are we doing?
| | HARRY
(Watching the T.V.) |
I don't know. They've listed Republicans, Democrats and then just 'other'.
`Other?'
Other than Democrats and Republicans.
That's not going to please the Governor.
No, it's not.
Now pick up your head and wear it on top of your body where it belongs, not like it's something growing out of your chest.
Sorry.
And don't say you're sorry anymore.
I've really been talking you down with me, haven't I?
A little. I bounce.
Sorry.
I'm warning you, Harry, if you say you're sorry once more tonight, I'm going to have to kick you.
I apologize.
You're buying the boot, Harry.
Do you think he's as tough as they say he is?
Who are we taking about now?
Diane's husband. Maybe I could find the energy to fight him. You know, like when you read about a child getting pinned under a car and the mother somehow finds the strength to lift it. That sort of thing.
This is a man, not a car. And worse that that, he's a convicted criminal.
Yeah. I always wondered why the mother let the kid get under the car in the first place.
Harry, you've been moping around this place for two days. Make up your mind, can you fight him?
Of course I can fight him. The question is, how badly will I be left brain-damaged?
All right. So you fight him and he kills you and you're dead and Diane is still with him and so what? Harry, Harry, I love you kid but you got a one-track mind. You got to get Diane out of that track or you'll never see that nice single girl sitting at the end of the bar.
| | (HARRY looks at the Nice Single Girl sitting at the end of the bar.) |
Nah.
Harry, it's absurd that the owner of a bar should have trouble meeting girls.
It's not the right girl.
How do you know, unless you try them all out first?
I dunno.
How many girls are there in the United States, Harry? Hundreds of millions. And if only one in a hundred is the right girl, then there have got to be millions of girls that are right for you.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but it's no use. I've got to do this myself. (beat) And I'm going to do it right now. I have just made up my mind that I am not going to be depressed anymore.
Just like that?
Yes. It's ridiculous to go around depressed all the time.
Smile.
There, I'm happy.
Good, now go talk to her.
Diane?
No! The girl at the end of the bar.
| | (Pause as HARRY looks at the girl.) |
Nah.
You know what your problem is? You think you got no sex appeal. You don't know it, but you're really a very sexy person.
No I'm not.
Yes you are.
No I'm not.
I often have hot flashes around you. Your brother used to drive me crazy and I think a little bit of that has rubbed off on you.
No he didn't
But you know what you have that other men don't? You're sweet. Girls like that.
Thanks.
But more than that, they like a man who's just a little sexy and since you don't have `sex' written all over your face, you've got to say something which will place into their sub-conscience the idea that fooling around with you would be a great thing.
Have you been reading that book again?
As a matter of fact, yes. I was looking under "99 new pick up lines" and I found one your brother used to use.
Maybe he was a contributing editor.
What you got to do is walk up to that girl and let the first words out of your mouth be, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
What?!
"What?" That's exactly what she'll say and then you'll say, "It's particularly nasty weather".
Then what?
You talk about the weather.
So what?
You'll have placed into her mind a sexual thought. Go on, I've been watching her; she's all by herself.
My brother used to walk up to strange women and say things like this?
Harry, is your way working?
No.
You can do it. She's pretty, isn't she?
Yeah.
Go on.
Hazel.
Don't think about it, just do it.
What's the line?
"Tickle your ass with a feather..."
Not you! Come back here, Harry. "Tickle your ass with a feather" and "It's particularly nasty weather."
"It's particularly nasty weather" and "Tickle your ass with a feather." This is sick.
It'll work fine. Just remember it's the other way around.
| | (HARRY starts toward the girl then stops.) |
Yeah, but it's forty-five degrees out and the stars are shining.
You see, you're going to screw it up because you're thinking about it.
What if I fail?
You fail. You get the next one.
What if I fail with the next one, too?
Harry, are you going to do it?
Yes.
Go.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to walk up to that girl and start a perverted conversation with her.
It happens millions of times every day.
Here goes. Please forgive me, Diane.
Stick up for yourself, Harry, don't be an ass.
Right.
| | (HARRY moves toward the girl. He walks past her and comes in again. He bumps into someone.) |
Excuse me.
| | (Finally he sits beside the girl.) |
Hi.
Hi.
Ah, stick a feather up your ass?
What!?
|